Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 29th Edition

It is nearly Halloween, which shall be awesome, and then just a few days later, we shall finally have the November 4th election, and a new President. I am sure everyone is looking forward to this long contest coming to an end.
I hope that everyone takes there opportunity to vote serious, but if you cannot bring yourself to vote for anyone, that is fine as well, because part of our rights as an American, is the right to not vote. I have exercised that option before, in elections where I loathed both candidates. So sit back enjoy the jokes today, and add some if you like. It is always fun to see a joke that is "new" to me!! :)

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone
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A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
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12 step program for recovering web addicts:
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
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I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.
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Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "But his face sure rings a bell."
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An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either."
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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get? Student: The wrong answer.
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There were these two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The first blonde said, "You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!"
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The teacher asked Mary, "If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?" Mary immediately answered, "Seven!" The teacher was puzzled and asked "Why seven?" "You really think I would give David any of my cookies?"
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
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The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
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The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
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Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
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What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
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A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
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Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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They used this next joke in the old movie Capricorn One:
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
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Happy Hump Evening!!

The Worst Appetizers In America


Before we do the Hump Day Humor post, I thought I would post this next story, for those of you who actually go out on wednesday evenings to enjoy the hump day!! So enjoy the story and then go out and "bust a gut" at your favorite eatery and watering hole tonight :)

The story at Yahoo News-Health is as follows:
A funny thing has happened to America’s restaurant appetizers: They’ve started growing bigger than the meals they prepare us for. It’s now common to wolf down 500 or 600 greasy calories before we even start on our entrees. One might wonder where all the calories end up.
The answer is: our collective belly-fat supplies. The obesity rate stayed constant in only 13 states last year, while the other 37 states saw an increase. This big fat growth — which stretches over 75 percent of America — is due in no small part to our propensity to eat full meals before we eat full meals. (It’s not uncommon anymore to take in two days’ worth of calories in one meal at one of our favorite restaurants.)

To help you wrap your arms around the problem, we’ve gathered the most gluttonous pre-meal binges in America. If this list doesn’t make you hungry, then you’re already ahead of most of us.
CHILI’STexas Cheese Fries w/ Jalapeno-Ranch Dressing2,070 calories160 g fat (73 g saturated)3,730 mg sodiumFat Equivalent: Like eating 16 Taco Bell Crunchy Tacos!
link to full story

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Ordinary Joes Have Mixed Feelings On Wealth In America


The last days of the Presidential campaign have brought to the fore, one of the most important aspects of what is important to people in this country. Namely, as evidenced by the story below, as well as others, that a great number of people think that our nation is divided between rich and poor, with virtually no middle class anymore.

McCain touts Obama's socialist agenda, even as he promotes a $300 billion bailout of homeowners by the government, making it hard to tell the Republican Socialists from the Democrat Socialists. It all comes down to who benefits from the government to decide which "socialist" party you want to in the White House this November. If you are for corporate bailout socialism, then you are a McCainiac, and if you are for helping people in poverty up through the "middle" class, you would be an Obamanite! It is a little more complex than that, but not too much more.

Anyway I found this interesting story at Yahoo News concerning our changing attitudes toward wealth in America:
NEW YORK – The war of words waged by John McCain and Barack Obama for the votes of plumbers and other average Joes is a reminder of the nation's long-standing doubts about concentrated wealth — and its qualms about doing something about it.

Americans have voiced concerns about putting too much wealth in to too few hands since the country was founded, but the public's views also come with contradictions. Now it's clearer than ever — thanks to Obama's much scrutinized talk about taxes with a certain Ohio voter and McCain's dogged criticism — that these mixed feelings about income inequality are a long way from being resolved.

"I think that when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody," Obama told the man — maybe you've heard of him — Joe the Plumber. The remark may have sounded pretty innocuous. But McCain has lambasted his rival's words as sounding "a lot like socialism," and turned the criticism into a central theme of his campaign's final round. Obama's remarks, McCain says, are emblematic of a tax plan to confiscate wealth and give it to the poor that would make the IRS "into a giant welfare agency."

The comments of both presidential candidates touch nerves in American politics — longtime concern about too much concentration of wealth, but also about the role of government and the individual. More than two centuries after Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson and other early leaders warned about the hazards of too much in the hands of too few, Americans have developed complex views on the intertwining issues. A substantial majority of Americans say the rich don't pay their fair share of taxes, opinion polls show. A growing number say the U.S. is becoming a nation of haves and have-nots.
link to full story

Friday, October 24, 2008

Just A WEEK Until............


Halloween Pictures, Images and Photos






halloween Pictures, Images and Photos

Florida Man Lives With The Hanging Chads Of 2000 Election


Wow, what a long week! The stock market is tanking, as is oil~Hooray, and gold, as the world is melting down, on self-fulfilling prophesies of DOOM!!
I have been having a rough week as well, as I purchased the game Bejeweled for the PC, and have found it to be addictive, so I haven't been paying much attention to the news until today!!
I am just reading through some of the headlines, and watched a bit of Fox News as I was getting ready for work, and realized that McCain must be melting down as well, as the anchors on Fox are barely able to stay in their seats, as they rant about Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, and other non-issues, in their typical "Fair and Balanced" ;) approach to the Presidential race.
Talk about being in the tank for McCain! My "Poor" Beautiful Megan Kelly, goes hysterically psycho on EVERY pro-Obama guest she has had on in the last few days! It is getting so bad, that I am waiting for her beautiful little head to start spinning around, and vomiting pea soup, as she is definitely "possessed" by McCain's Insanity!! Hell, even my favorite guy, Bill O'Reilly, is getting his talking points directly from McCain Headquarters~~as Bill's show has become the ALL SPIN ZONE FOR MCCAIN as of late!!

Anyway, I found an interesting little odd story at Yahoo News on the fringe of "political" stories, about a guy that purchased many of the old voting machines from Florida, after the fiasco of the 2000 elections and the infamous "hanging" chads recounts:
From ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. – It's been eight years since the re-count of the 2000 Florida election, but Jim Dobyns is still living with chads. One waited for him when he went to clean the top of the microwave. He found another by the coffee table. And when he was petting his cat recently he plucked one of the manila-colored flakes from its fur.
Three years ago, Dobyns bought 1,200 Votomatic III voting machines, ones used by Palm Beach County during that infamous election.
When the outcome of the presidential election hung on Florida's electoral votes, it was Palm Beach's ballots and their hanging, pregnant and dimpled chads that became the subject of scrutiny. Ultimately, Florida junked the machines statewide in favor of new technology.
Dobyns, though, can't get rid of the chads, which have leaked out of the machines and permanently into his life.
"I'll never get them out of the van," Dobyns said. "And I don't want to get them out of the van because I see it and I think: 'That's cool.'"

Dobyns, a Republican political consultant, isn't the only one who thinks the machines are cool. He has began selling the collapsable, briefcase-sized Votomatics on eBay or through his Web site for up to $75, plus shipping.

Recently, he leased 26 as props to the HBO movie "Recount," which was about President Bush's White House-clinching 537-vote victory in Florida over Al Gore. But his list of customers has also grown to include a congressional staffer, an executive with the New York City bar association, a few presidential libraries and a number of high school history teachers.

"I always like to say however you vote it always comes out Bush, and then the heated debate starts from there," said Joe Raschke, a Republican and friend of Dobyns' who lives in Chicago and who was given one of the machines as a wedding gift.

Most of the machines, however, have gone to Democrats, Dobyns says, who are still angry about the 2000 election and entranced by the machines. His wife, Pam, explains it this way: the voting machines became the election's villain; buying a machine is a way to control something Democrats couldn't. Owners say they like having a piece of history and that the pieces are a conversation starter, no matter what party someone belongs to. Chris Chiari, 34, a Florida business consultant and Democrat, bought two of the machines last summer — one for an auction and the other to set up in his den. "I can punch any hole I want. I own it," said Chiari, who voted by absentee ballot in Palm Beach County in 2000.

link to full story

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 22nd 2008: Football Is Rough Edition


I am still having trouble dealing with the Dallas Cowboys loss to the Rams last weekend, and so here are some football insult jokes, and just some plain old "clean" football jokes. We shall start with the insult jokes and work into the "clean" ones:

Simply insert your most-hated NFL team into the content of each football joke where indicated!
1. A Voice in the Darkness
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The (insert team) are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

2. It's a Wonder
Why do (insert team) players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.
3. Kissin' Cousins
What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen (insert team) fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
4. Grounded
Why did the (insert team) players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
5. Hit and Run
If you see a (insert team) fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike
6. A Day at the Beach
What do you get if you see a (insert team) fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!
7. No Way Out
You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of(insert team). You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the (insert team) fan… twice.
8. On the Bright Side
What do you call a (insert team) fan with half a brain?
Gifted!
9. Playing Possum
Why are the (insert team) like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
10. Licking the Problem
What did the average (insert team) player get on his Wonderlic test?
Drool!
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Not to the "clean" ones yet:
A footbal coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs.. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen."
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Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George Will.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
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Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game
. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
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A Dallas Cowboys (enter your favorite team)fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Roger Staubach (enter your favorite player) days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."
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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn't catch him.

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:

10. me neither
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OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he's had enough time to write a new book?
It's titled "If I Did This 2"!
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Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string!
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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
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We better have some clean jokes before there are any more jokes, picking on my Cowboys!!
Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common?
A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
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Q: What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
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Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.
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The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.
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The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.
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Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?
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Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.

Have A Happy Hump Day (afternoon & evening) and if you have any good, bad, or ugly football jokes, please leave them in comments, or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall put them in the next football edition!! ;)

Go Cowboys!!!!!!
'

Monday, October 20, 2008

U.S. Pilot Was Ordered To Shoot Down UFO During Cold War


It has been difficult to even begin to think of anything to write about yesterday, or today, as I am still reeling from the defeat of my Dallas Cowboys, by the "Rams"!?!
It is unfathomable that we are playing so bad, though the intervention by our "stupid" owner, Jerry Jones, on a daily basis, is surely not helping the situation. He should take a long flight with fellow "moronic" sports owners, Al Davis of the Raiders, and Steinbrenner of the Yankees, and never return, which would aid their respective teams, immensely in recovering their greatness, just by virtue of their absence!!

Anyway, I finally found an interesting story at the odd news section of Yahoo News, concerning two U.S. pilots, who were ordered to shoot down a UFO during the Cold War:
Two U.S. fighter planes were scrambled and ordered to shoot down an unidentified flying object (UFO) over the English countryside during the Cold War, according to secret files made public on Monday.

One pilot said he was seconds away from firing 24 rockets at the object, which moved erratically and gave a radar reading like "a flying aircraft carrier." The pilot, Milton Torres, now 77 and living in Miami, said it spent periods motionless in the sky before reaching estimated speeds of more than 7,600 mph (12,000 kph).

After the alert, a shadowy figure told Torres he must never talk about the incident and he duly kept silent for more than 30 years.
link to full story

Friday, October 17, 2008

YouTube Links To: McCain And Obama Were Hilarious At Alfred E Smith Dinner Videos


I have been looking for links to the YouTube videos of last nights hilarious roast of Senators McCain and Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner, in New York City, and finally found them.

Thanks to callem in comments left on my earlier post on this event, who left a link to the full transcript of the event, should you wish to read it, rather than watch it.



McCains Video Link




Obamas Video Link



Thank You and Have A Great Friday Evening!!

McCain And Obama Were Hilarious At Alfred E Smith Dinner


Did you get the opportunity to watch Senators John McCain, and Barack Obama, at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner, in New York last evening? If you did not, you absolutely must go to YouTube, and watch the clips that are posted there, and if they rerun it on any channel, you really must watch it, in its' entirety, if you want to see a very, very funny side of these two Presidential contenders. Truly if the tone of this whole campaign had the markings of what they demonstrated last night, this would have been one of the most uplifting, and light-hearted campaigns in history, as opposed to the viciousness that has plagued the campaigns as of late.
Anyway, I have looked all over the news for a "good" accounting of what they said last night, and the best that I could find so far, was this story at Yahoo News, by Politico. Here is the lead in, and please follow the link to the whole story, where some clips can be seen, but don't forget to hit YouTube for the best videos of the event!!
When the going gets tough, the tough go to dinners.
Fancy dinners. White tie and tailcoat dinners like the Al Smith dinner in New York.
You may have missed the fact that the times are hilarious, but John McCain and Barack Obama were called upon to be hilarious Thursday night because that is what the Al Smith dinner demands. The dinner is sponsored by the Archdiocese of New York and raises millions of dollars for underprivileged children. It is a political rite of passage where the politicians are required to be funny. As if politics isn’t funny enough without trying.

It is the last time the two men are scheduled to be on stage together. McCain spoke first and was the John McCain of old, which is to say relaxed, droll and charming. “This is as good a place as any to make a major announcement,” he said. “It’s true that this morning I’ve dismissed my entire team of advisers. All their positions will be held by a man named Joe the Plumber.”

link to full story

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Who Won The Debate And Your Vote?


Good Morning!! Did everyone stay up to watch the third and last Presidential debate, between Senator's John McCain, and Barack Obama? It was not as exciting as I thought it would be, and mostly was made up of previous talking points, with only a few actual personal attacks. I found the whole "Joe the Plumber" references pretty disengenuous by McCain, as he has as little in common with "Joe" as I do with Donald Trump, other than both being men and Americans, McCain really does not "feel" our pain. I thought McCain looked constipated, angry, and perplexed during his "deer in the headlights" moments, however Obama was no slacker in sliding past the real questions, and I feel he missed huge opportunities to reassure undecided voters, who still have qualms voting for a man who sits on boards with former terrorists.
I know Obama has denounced what Ayers did 40 years ago, but that doesn't mean, you sit on boards, even Republican boards with a man who wishes he could have bombed more people. Truthfully, I will qualify that comment by saying that I did grow up during the Weather Underground bombings, and I did not realize that Mr. Ayers was NEVER convicted for his crimes due to a technicality, so I will give Obama the benefit of the doubt that he did not associate this man with acts that were carried out when Obama was 8 years old. However, he could have laid this non-issue to rest once and for all, and said that in hindsight he would have checked more thoroughly on who was on the board, and would not have sat on it with Ayers! The American people will excuse poor judgement and mistakes, but they will not excuse arrogance in not admitting that you were wrong. If he admitted that he was wrong and made his mia culpas, the American people would already have forgiven him , and he could have already been rejuvinated, and locked this race up once and for all. But being stubborn in your refusal to admit errors in judgement will not fly, just ask Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, etc., and leaves an avenue for McCain and his cohort to try and drive a wedge between Obama and the undecided's.
Therefore, I think Obama won the debate, because he did not lose it, and McCain lost the debate, because he did not win it outright. He may have fired up his base, but lost the debate, because he did not give undecided voters any reason to think he was anything, but an angry, old man, who was going to "stay the course" even though we are headed for a collision course with reality.
It now comes down to voting for the lesser of two evils~~And May God Help Us Choose Wisely!!

This story of Who won the debate? is at Yahoo News Buzz:
The experts said this was John McCain's last best chance to turn the tide. The election has been going Barack Obama's way, and his republican rival needed a big win in the third and final debate. Did Sen. McCain get it? The polls say one thing, but do the pundits agree?

The Polls
According to a national poll that CNN conducted after the debate, 58% of people felt Barack Obama won the debate, while 31% felt that John McCain performed better. The poll also indicates that the majority of people polled felt Obama would do a better job on the economy, health care, and taxes. Additionally, those polled felt Obama was more likable and the stronger leader.

While CNN's poll suggests an Obama landslide, the folks at Politico have different results. According to an "exclusive survey" of undecided voters, 49% of folks felt Sen. Obama won, while 46% believed Sen. McCain could claim victory. Politico notes that the 3-point difference is within the poll's margin of error.
link to full story

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 15th 2008 No WALNUT or PECAN Edition


Well here we are on another Hump Day! The weather at the Coral Ridge Mall is a bit dreary outside, as it is a rainy, overcast, 53 degree afternoon. Therefore, a perfect day to come out shopping, as you will not have to compete with large crowds, and if you're not napping, you should be shopping, and doing your part to stimulate the economy!!

Last week I never did get to doing a post of jokes for Hump Day, we I went on my "humorous" WALNUT, and PECAN posts, and while a few people got the humor, many others did not, so I figure I better play it safe this Hump Day, and stick with definable jokes!! Have A Great Hump Day!! I hope you enjoy the jokes, and please remember to tune in for the last of the Presidential Debates this evening, because if sparks are going to fly, it will have to happen tonight!!

Here We Go:

These were some late night quips from the 18th of September that we didn't get to use then:
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
--------------------------------
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

-------------------------------
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-----------------------------
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better
----------------------------
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
-------------------------
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
--------------------------
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer
------------------------------
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
-----------------------------
As A College Student, You Should Start Worrying When...

You consider McDonalds 'real food'.

4.00AM is still early on weekends.

You'd rather clean than study.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps.

There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time.

The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit.

Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life.

You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
-----------------------------
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."
-------------------------------
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver.

The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding"

The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."

--------------------------------
A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

------------------------------
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
--------------------------------
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
---------------------------------
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
-----------------------------------
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
-----------------------------------
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
------------------------------------
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
------------------------------------
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
----------------------------------
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
-----------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
----------------------------------
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
----------------------------------
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
--------------------------------
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
--------------------------------
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
------------------------------
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
-----------------------------
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
-------------------------------
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
--------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible.

She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines.

So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous.

When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
------------------------------
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
------------------------------
Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Paris Hilton Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB

AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting

MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip
---------------------------------
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
-------------------------------
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.

The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

The sister said, "Very good then."

The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."

The sister replied, "Good job to you."

The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."

The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"
-----------------------------
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
----------------------------
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
--------------------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
------------------------------
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
-------------------------------
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
------------------------------
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling
------------------------------
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
--------------------------------
College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
---------------------------------
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.

“Why so many?” asked the bartender.

“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
----------------------------------

;)
Have a Great Hump Day, and as usual if you have a joke to share, please leave it in the comments, or email it to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and I shall use it with attribution to you, in one of our upcoming humor posts!!

Take Care :)

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Historic KC-135 Stratotanker Still Flying


Well, it looks like the wheeny-whiney Wall Streeters are starting a come back after the government, took them by the hand, fed them some pablum, burped them, and then cuddled them this morning, with reassurances, as they announced an upcoming meeting for the "babies", so they will know how everything will happen with the bailout plan.

Anyway, after being disgusted by these pathetic whiners, I was wandering around the news, and found this fascinating story at Yahoo News about a 50 year old aircraft that we can be proud of, and which is still vitally important to America:

More than 50 years after its first flight, the KC-135 tanker is the workhorse of the U.S. Air Force, a flying gas station that loiters over the skies of Iraq and Afghanistan every day. And it will keep flying for at least 30 more years — there isn't even a contract for a replacement.

The plane entered service in 1957, when President Eisenhower was just starting his second term. With the Cold War heating up, armed B-52 bombers idled on runways, ready at a moment's notice to fly over the North Pole to strike the Soviet Union. But the B-52, an eight-engine gas guzzler, couldn't carry enough fuel for a round-trip mission.


Enter the KC-135 Stratotanker, a jet-age filling station in the sky. The B-52 is still flying missions — and so is the Stratotanker, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It refuels bombers, fighters, cargo planes — even other tankers.
link to full story

Saturday, October 11, 2008

PECAN (People Everywhere Can Accomplish Nothing) First Meeting And Minutes Of Accomplishments


PECAN
People Everywhere Can Accomplish Nothing
1451 Coral Ridge Avenue
Coralville, Iowa 52241
319-625-6011
Propaganda Minister: Daniel Kepler


October 11th, 2008

First meeting of PECAN is called to order at 9:00 a.m.






and






adjourned at 9:30 a.m.!!


PECAN took a lot longer to do nothing!! ;)
;)
Daniel Kepler

WALNUT (Worldwide Alliance Leading Nowhere Until Tomorrow) First Meeting And Minutes Of Accomplishments


WALNUT
Worldwide Alliance Leading Nowhere Until Tomorrow
1451 Coral Ridge Avenue
Coralville, Iowa 52241
319-625-6011
Propaganda Minister: Daniel Kepler


October 11th, 2008

WALNUT's first meeting and minutes 8:00a.m.













and







adjourned at 8:00a.m.

;)

Take Care!!

Daniel Kepler

Friday, October 10, 2008

PECAN (People Everywhere Can Accomplish Nothing) In Alliance With WALNUT


People
Everywhere
Can
Accomplish
Nothing

In keeping with the goals of our weak sister alliance with WALNUT, I have created PECAN (People Everywhere Can Accomplish Nothing), for those problems that are even too small for WALNUT to handle, thereby guaranteeing that no measureable progress can be made on any issue, no matter its' importance, or scope!!
As the great humorist Mark Twain put it "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Therefore, we shall take the WALNUT ideas, and goals, of doing nothing, and shall try and expand their areas of non-interest!!
Membership in WALNUT, offers an adjunct membership in PECAN, so nothing further needs to be done on your end!!
How easy was that!!
So as I procrastinate anyway I can, to not do anything with WALNUT, or PECAN, you may see other non-groups on these pages, to assist in acquiring funds from the Do-Nothing "Correctly" Government, who we are in competition with, for accomplishing the least amount of things in the quickest way possible, or whenever we get around to it!!
A couple of words of wisdom to leave with you:
The two rules of procrastination: 1) Do it today. 2) Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. ~Author Unknown
Someday is not a day of the week. ~Author Unknown
The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. ~Author Unknown
If it weren't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done. ~Author Unknown
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown
"I have procrastinated enough today, I shall finish the rest tomorrow!!"~Daniel Kepler 10/10/2008
Thank You!!
Propaganda Minister: Daniel Kepler
danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, or visit me at KeplerView.com,KeplerView at all sites I post on, MySpace,Iowa City Press-Citizen,soulcast,blog,blogger,msn live,vox,facebook,newsvine!! Take Care!!

WALNUT AND HOW I CREATED IT WITH AN UPDATE ON SUCCESS OF IT SO FAR!!


Good Afternoon! This morning when I arrived at the SmartArt Kiosk, I stopped by Chick-fil-A, to say good morning to everyone working in front, as is my routine. I usually walk up the food court as I know everyone working, and I get ice at Panda Express, from my friend Sandra the Assistant Manager, or Dillon the Manager, where I was the Manager before this job, and I put out their trays, and attach the food signs, so they do not have to walk all the way around to do it, and like I said, they are my friends as is everyone that I talk to at the Mall. I greet my former chef Sun, a great guy, and his wife Wendy, as they now run Sarku, and then usually end up at Villa Pizza, where Steve is the Manager, and talk for a few minutes with him, or with whoever is working, before heading back, and cleaning the art prints and getting everything ready to open at 10 a.m.
Anyway, this morning as I was heading back to the Kiosk, my friend Brenda, who works at Chick-fil-A, was talking about all of the news concerning the community group ACORN, and wanted me to do something akin to that name, as a "joke", and gave me two choices to use Pecan and Walnut. So I went back to work and started cleaning, and thinking of amusing acronyms, and this is what I came up with.
Worldwide
Alliance
Leading
Nowhere
Until
Tomorrow
"Where solving the worlds problems is as easy, as putting them off for another day"
"Procrastination IS Power!"
I showed it to Melody at Chick-fil-A, who laughed and took it back to Brenda, and she laughed, and Bob the owner chuckled, Laura wanted a copy of this, and Brenda has shown it to few select customers/friends, who have also been amused. I also showed Sandy at the information booth of the Coralville Vistors Bureau, and she smiled as well. My friend Melissa (Missy not Missiles on MySpace) from Starbucks came by and she laughed and voluntarily joined the (non) group.So perhaps I have come up with a completely useless organization, which can make people feel better about not doing anything to solve the worlds problems.
We are thinking of having a meeting, but maybe not, and if we do, whether you attend or not, it won't matter, as nothing will be accomplished anyway. You do not have to do anything to become a member, as you are automatically members, just by being alive, and if you choose to not be a member, we will not acknowledge it anyway, thus keeping our membership rolls high, and hopefully we can receive government money, to accomplish our stated goals, which should be easy, as doing nothing will accomplish what this organization was set up to do.
I know some of you may be skeptical, as we already have so many "government" agencies spending billions and accomplishing nothing, so you may think that is a duplication of wasted efforts. However, because we are not connected to the government, except through the grants they give, we would be much more efficient at do nothing, as has been proven by the recent financial crisis on Wall Street by private companies!!
So we Succeed by doing Nothing!!
Thanks for not doing anything!
I would also like to Thank you for being members of this non-aligned alliance, and should you try and solve the worlds problems, "Remember to think about it thoroughly, and then decide, to decide, whether you really want to help~~TOMORROW"!!
All rules, bylaws, etc., will be thought up on the spur of the moment, and will be used to Procrastinate our way out of the problems we encounter!!
If you have any problems you would like us to not address, please feel free to comment, or write me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall advise you to not worry about it. Truly there is no problem too small or too big, that we cannot ignore, and let someone else solve!!
Have a Great Thursday (or maybe Friday would be a better day to have a Great Day)!!
Please check out my blog on myspace, KeplerView.com,soulcast,live,blog,blogger,facebook,vox,newsvine,etc.
Please Pass It On And Be Part Of The Largest Non-Movement In History!!;)
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUCE THAT WE ARE BEGINNING TO RECEIVE EMAILS FROM PEOPLE JOINING WALNUT~~EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOT HAVE TO AFFIRM IN ANYWAY TO BE CONSIDERED MEMBERS!! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY OR WHATEVER DAY YOU CHOOSE TO BE GREAT!!!!
MY FRIENDS, ALSO, THAT ONE, IS NOT SEEING RUSSIA FROM
HAWAII!!:)

Thursday, October 09, 2008

WALNUT (Worldwide Alliance Leading Nowhere Until Tomorrow) There Is No Problem That We Cannot Trivialize


Good Afternoon! This morning when I arrived at the SmartArt Kiosk, I stopped by Chick-fil-A, to say good morning to everyone working in front, as is my routine. I usually walk up the food court as I know everyone working, and I get ice at Panda Express, from my friend Sandra the Assistant Manager, or Dillon the Manager, where I was the Manager before this job, and I put out their trays, and attach the food signs, so they do not have to walk all the way around to do it, and like I said, they are my friends as is everyone that I talk to at the Mall. I greet my former chef Sun, a great guy, and his wife Wendy, as they now run Sarku, and then usually end up at Villa Pizza, where Steve is the Manager, and talk for a few minutes with him, or with whoever is working, before heading back, and cleaning the art prints and getting everything ready to open at 10 a.m.

Anyway, this morning as I was heading back to the Kiosk, my friend Brenda, who works at Chick-fil-A, was talking about all of the news concerning the community group ACORN, and wanted me to do something akin to that name, as a "joke", and gave me two choices to use Pecan and Walnut. So I went back to work and started cleaning, and thinking of amusing acronyms, and this is what I came up with.

Worldwide
Alliance
Leading
Nowhere
Until
Tomorrow
"Where solving the worlds problems is as easy, as putting them off for another day"

"Procrastination IS Power!"

I showed it to Melody at Chick-fil-A, who laughed and took it back to Brenda, and she laughed, and Bob the owner chuckled, Laura wanted a copy of this, and Brenda has shown it to few select customers/friends, who have also been amused. I also showed Sandy at the information booth of the Coralville Vistors Bureau, and she smiled as well. My friend Melissa (Missy not Missiles on MySpace) from Starbucks came by and she laughed and voluntarily joined the (non) group.So perhaps I have come up with a completely useless organization, which can make people feel better about not doing anything to solve the worlds problems.

We are thinking of having a meeting, but maybe not, and if we do, whether you attend or not, it won't matter, as nothing will be accomplished anyway. You do not have to do anything to become a member, as you are automatically members, just by being alive, and if you choose to not be a member, we will not acknowledge it anyway, thus keeping our membership rolls high, and hopefully we can receive government money, to accomplish our stated goals, which should be easy, as doing nothing will accomplish what this organization was set up to do.
I know some of you may be skeptical, as we already have so many "government" agencies spending billions and accomplishing nothing, so you may think that is a duplication of wasted efforts. However, because we are not connected to the government, except through the grants they give, we would be much more efficient at do nothing, as has been proven by the recent financial crisis on Wall Street by private companies!!

So we Succeed by doing Nothing!!

Thanks for not doing anything!

I would also like to Thank you for being members of this non-aligned alliance, and should you try and solve the worlds problems, "Remember to think about it thoroughly, and then decide, to decide, whether you really want to help~~TOMORROW"!!

All rules, bylaws, etc., will be thought up on the spur of the moment, and will be used to Procrastinate our way out of the problems we encounter!!

If you have any problems you would like us to not address, please feel free to comment, or write me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall advise you to not worry about it. Truly there is no problem too small or too big, that we cannot ignore, and let someone else solve!!

Have a Great Thursday (or maybe Friday would be a better day to have a Great Day)!!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Hump Day Humor Post Debate Edition Postponed


My Hump Day Humor October 8th Day After Debate Edition will be delayed until at least Thursday as I try and figure out what is going wrong with this computer. I was nearly finished writing the post, when the computer froze and I lost everything, "even" saved information!!

To tide you over here is a look at 10 things you didn't know about Presidential debates and hundreds of other humorous videos, and articles about politics at Comedy.com. Here is a sample:
1. The Lincoln-Douglas debates weren’t Presidential debates. You probably thought they were. They were running for Senate. And they weren’t debating for citizens. Citizens didn’t vote for the Senate, state legislatures did. Stuff was crazy in the 1800s.
2. All of their seven debates were about slavery. That used to be a big thing. Stenographers came to their debates. Newspapers that supported Douglas and slavery corrected grammatical errors made by the stenographers, while leaving Lincoln’s speeches in their rough form. He looked like a YouTube commenter. Lincoln edited them himself for a book after he was elected. The book was popular enough to get him nominated for President.
3. Both candidates spoke for about 90 minutes. Whoever went second did 90 in a row. That was back when candidates knew about stuff


Have a Nice Evening and hopefully I shall have it figured out by tomorrow!! ;)

link to comedy.com

Monday, October 06, 2008

Part III Of The Ultimate 9/11 'Truth' Showdown: David Ray Griffin vs. Matt Taibbi


Good Monday afternoon! I hope you are not in a panic as the Dow takes another dive today. Obviously, the bailout bill wasn't "big" enough for these whiners, and they'll keep "tanking" until they "extort" more billions from us!!
Anyway, I found a fascinating exchange between two authors about 9/11 at AlterNet, and because their is lingering controversy, I thought many of you readers would enjoy reading what they have to say. It was a huge article, and therefore it will be broken down into 3 parts, so you won't feel like you are reading the telephone directory cover to cover, at one sitting.

The authors are Matt Taibbi, who is a writer for Rolling Stone. He is the author of The Great Derangement (Spiegel and Grau, 2008), and
David Ray Griffin, who is Emeritus Professor of Philosophy of Religion and Theology, Claremont School of Theology and Claremont Graduate University (California). His 34 books include seven about 9/11, the most recent of which is The New Pearl Harbor Revisited: 9/11, the Cover-Up, and the Exposure" (Northampton: Olive Branch, 2008).

This is Part III of the "The Ultimate 9/11 'Truth' Showdown: David Ray Griffin vs. Matt Taibbi"
As for the rest of these questions, I apologize to readers, but I'm just not going to bother. It's hopeless. Mr. Griffin is weaving a market niche for himself based upon a reality that every prosecutor and investigator in the world recognizes as unavoidable -- that in any reconstruction of events, there will always be discrepancies in witness statements. History is always an approximation, and in Mr. Griffin's case, he's tangling with the most unreliable of approximations; a politically-charged government report.
In a disaster as epic in scale as 9/11, officials at every level of government are going to be motivated to lie in order to cover their asses. They are going to say they were at their desks when they were not there; they're going to say they tried to make it to the scene as fast as they can when they actually sat on their thumbs and took their time. The same way that Soviet generals reported no failure of their air defenses on the day that 16 year-old Matthias Rust landed a Cessna in Red Square after limping through thousands of miles of heavily-armed Red airspace, our government is, of course, going to lie about how badly it fucked up on 9/11. This is not exactly big news.
But Mr. Griffin makes it big news. He refuses to accept government witness versions of events when it suits him, but when it suits him to accept them as gospel -- for instance, when discussing the reported takeoff times of the fighter planes departing Cape Cod on the morning of 9/11, or the pilot statements that the planes were traveling "full blower," well, in those cases he doesn't quibble.
My point about Griffin's napkin-scrawling math is that a sane person finds it much easier to reconcile the failure of fighter planes to arrive on scene a few minutes earlier -- perhaps they were only 90% of "full-blower," perhaps the planes took off a few minutes later, perhaps some witnesses are in error, perhaps every testifying member of our air defense network had bits of ass that needed covering -- than he does to assume the presence of a massive conspiracy to prevent the planes from arriving on time. So the numbers don't add up. So what? That just means the numbers are wrong, somewhere down the line, for some reason. Who cares?
That's particularly true when coupled with the damning fact that there is no actual evidence of such an order; Griffin is deducing the existence of a conspiracy based upon his idea of what happened in the gaps. In conspiracy theory, the real incontrovertible evidence is always over the bend somewhere -- hidden under the rubble, or lost in the missing minutes. This is the historical version of bite marks in the carrot that prove the Easter Bunny was in the house last night. Personally, I'm waiting for photos of the actual rabbit.
When I called defense analysts about the speed of the fighter planes involved, including people from Jane's Defense Weekly, I was told that nobody could authoritatively say exactly how fast, to the minute, those planes should have arrived. I'm sure one could make a guess, but that's all it would be, a guess. But David Ray Griffin, a desk-bound religion professor in California, deduces a vast conspiracy based upon his exact calculations of the speed of fighter planes? Why is that not every bit as silly as an Air Force Colonel harping about some hippie professor's doctoral thesis on Norse deities?
In the end it all comes down to what you believe. If you believe that events in life tend to have simple explanations, then you're not going to be very impressed by Griffin's arguments. If on the other hand you think that the people running this country spend their days plotting to create phantom civilian jet-liner flights, disappearing whole fuselages full of passengers, and then shooting missiles into the Pentagon in broad daylight in order to cover up embezzlement schemes if you think, in other words, that our government is run by the same people who cook up second-rate French spy movies or your mind instantly produces the word "crossbow" when asked to produce A MURDER WEAPON by a Mad Libs script well, then, you're probably going to enjoy Griffin's books.

Me, I don't know. I met with a U.S. Senator a few weeks back who told me about hundreds of millions of dollars in spare parts that the Air Force already has marked for disposal -- despite the fact that they haven't even been built yet. They're on order, you're paying for them, and yet they're going to throw them away as soon as they're ready. That's happening right out in the open. No one in the Pentagon is hiding it. They're not planning to shoot a missile at those invoices. Because they don't have to.
And why? Well, if you're a David Ray Griffin fan, it's because you're worrying about this bullshit instead. So if this kind of stuff impresses you, mazel tov. I'm sure our government is happy that you have a hobby.
p.s. Professor: as long as you decided to be a pedantic jerk about my spelling of "Olson," I should point out that the Pentagon is, in fact, the world's largest office building, with 17.5 miles of corridors and three times the office space of the Empire State Building. It can have up to 30,000 employees working in it at any time. But I agree, it sure doesn't look as tall as some of those other buildings. You're right there.
David Griffin responds: Your fifth response illustrates most clearly your method. Although you insist that I, as an advocate of the alternative conspiracy theory, must come up with a complete theory, which can answer every conceivable question, you excuse yourself from this requirement with regard to the official conspiracy theory. With regard to the attack on the Pentagon, I have asked why al-Qaeda terrorists would have chosen to strike Wedge 1.
The reason for this question is that, given their presumed motives, this was the worst possible spot: They would have wanted to kill Rumsfeld and the top brass, but Wedge 1 was as far removed from their offices as possible. They would have wanted to cause as much destruction as possible, but Wedge 1 was the only part of the Pentagon that had been renovated to make it less vulnerable to attack. Al-Qaeda operatives would have wanted to kill as many Pentagon employees as possible, but because the renovation was not quite complete, Wedge 1 was only sparsely occupied. And finally, given the fact that the pilots were amateurs, the planners would have had the pilot simply crash into the roof of this building, which, covering several acres, even a poor pilot might have managed; but the choice to hit Wedge 1 on the side meant that the pilot had to perform an amazing downward spiral, which expert pilots have doubted that they themselves could have performed (see statements by Ralph Kolstad, Ted Muga and Russ Wittenberg on the Patriots Question 9/11 website). Another problem with Wedge 1 was that it was the only part of the Pentagon that would have presented physical obstacles to an attacking airplane. However, you do not address any of these problems. You say: "We know why al-Qaeda would want to attack the Pentagon." The question, however, is why al-Qaeda would have attacked that particular part of the Pentagon. Rather than provide even the beginning of an answer, you divert attention away from this enormous problem in the government's conspiracy theory by going on the attack.
The theory you attack, moreover, is not even mine. Responding to your assumption that an attack by Pentagon officials on their own building would have been pointless, I said: "I myself don't offer theories about what the point was, but this does not mean that a plausible theory cannot be provided." I then, as an example, mentioned the motive that has been suggested by Barbara Honegger (among others).
In response, even though you later acknowledged that this is not my own theory, you wrote: "In exactly what form do you think this 'evidence' was kept? Do you think it was hammered into granite slabs and mounted, hieroglyph-style, on the building's walls?" However, besides treating the theory as mine, this question ignores the statement by Honegger that I had quoted, namely: "Were the auditors who could 'follow the money,' and the computers whose data could help them do it, intentionally targeted?" Not being the idiot you assume all members of the 9/11 truth movement to be, she knows the information would have been in the people and the computers, not in the walls. As to whether the desire to kill those people and destroy those computers could have provided a plausible explanation for why, if the attack was an inside job, the conspirators chose that particular part of the Pentagon, Honegger has reported that a civilian auditor for the Army, with whom she discussed this theory, did find it plausible (a fact that I report in The New Pearl Harbor Revisited). Being aware of your tendency to treat any proffered explanation of some decision as the explanation, I hasten to add that the primary motive for attacking the Pentagon as well as the Twin Towers was surely to provide a false-flag pretext for a "war on terror" directed selectively at oil-rich Muslim countries. These buildings, as symbols of America's financial and military power, were just the places, Americans were easily convinced, that al-Qaeda terrorists would have wanted to attack. (You yourself report that you have no trouble imagining why such terrorists would have attacked the Pentagon.) But just as that rationale surely did not provide the only motive for attacking the Twin Towers, it also surely did not provide the only motive for attacking the Pentagon. It certainly could not by itself explain why the planners targeted the first two floors of Wedge 1. You deride this kind of thinking by speaking of a "curious coincidence of criminal interests," with Giuliani, Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush "just happening [to find] each other at just the same moment." But here again you're attacking a straw-man position of your own creation. When a variety of interests are served by a big operation, it is not a result of coincidence but of a plan designed to serve the interests of the various parties needed to carry out the operation.
At this point, you said you are "not going to bother" responding to my other answers. By stopping there, you excused yourself from responding to some of the most difficult questions for the government's conspiracy theory: Given the FBI's report that Tom Burnett did not use a cell phone to call his wife, why did she report seeing his cell phone number on her Caller ID? Given its report that Barbara Olson did not complete any calls from Flight 77, did Ted Olson lie or was he, like Deena Burnett, deceived by someone? Why, if the Bush White House would not have been so evil as to engineer 9/11, which resulted in 3,000 deaths, did it order the EPA to lie about the safety of the air at Ground Zero -- a lie that will likely result in far more deaths than 9/11 as such? Why, after the mathematical calculations of the 9/11 truth movement showed that the military's excuse for not intercepting the airliners did not add up, did the 9/11 Commission create an entirely different story, according to which the FAA failed to notify the military about Flights 175, 77, and 93 until after they had crashed -- a story that contradicts an enormous amount of evidence? You apparently missed this last point, as you continue to discuss the military's first story about the planes being a few minutes late, which has not been the official story since the publication of The 9/11 Commission Report in 2004. Is it possible that you don't defend the official story because you don't know what it is? With regard to the idea of a stand-down order, you say "the damning fact that there is no actual evidence of such an order." But the first three chapters of my "9/11 Contradictions," to which you were purportedly responding, is devoted to this evidence: Mineta's story about Cheney in the underground bunker plus the many ways in which the 9/11 Commission tried to bury this story. In The New Pearl Harbor Revisited, moreover, I report additional evidence. Evidently believing that all the contradictions in the official story can be explained in terms of lies to cover up mistakes, you write:
"In a disaster as epic in scale as 9/11, officials at every level of government are going to be motivated to lie in order to cover their asses. They are going to say they were at their desks when they were not there; they're going to say they tried to make it to the scene as fast as they can when they actually sat on their thumbs and took their time."
Lies of this sort are certainly to be expected. But most of the contradictions to which I have pointed cannot be thus explained. For example, Cheney, Myers, and Rumsfeld did the opposite of what you suggest: They really were where they should have been but claimed they were not. Your screw-up theory also cannot explain why Ted Olson claimed to have received phone calls from his wife, why Atta and the other alleged hijackers partied with hookers if they were devout Muslims, and why the FBI changed its story about where it found the allegedly definitive evidence incriminating al-Qaeda. Your theory also cannot explain why NIST has denied the fact that dozens of witnesses reported massive explosions in the Twin Towers, that two city officials, including Michael Hess (NYC's corporation counsel and Giuliani's good friend), reported a massive explosion in WTC 7 early in the morning, and that independent scientists discovered steel from the buildings that had been melted (which required temperatures far in excess of the temperatures reached by the fires). The lies about 9/11 go far beyond the cover-your-ass type.
You close by suggesting that the position one takes on 9/11 simply "comes down to what you believe." Although that is certainly true of some people -- those whom I call "paradigmatic" and "wishful-and-fearful" thinkers -- it certainly is not how the question should be decided. It should be settled on the basis of evidence, as I've suggested in a lecture entitled "9/11: Let's Get Empirical." You then add a postscript pointing out that the Pentagon is, "in fact, the world's largest office building," as if I had denied this by referring to "what you call the 'world's largest office building.'" The purpose of my comment, however, was merely to point out that you had erroneously used this description to suggest that the Pentagon could not have been evacuated in a few minutes. How long it takes to evacuate a building is not how many acres it covers (assuming that there are plenty of exit doors, as there were at the Pentagon), but how many stories it has. On this issue, you agree that the Pentagon "sure doesn't look as tall as some of those other buildings." But it's not simply a matter of looks: The Twin Towers actually were much taller than the Pentagon -- 105 stories taller, to be exact. The Pentagon, therefore, could have been evacuated about 20 times faster than either of the Towers. This means that of the 125 people in the building who were killed, 123 of whom were on the first two floor (while the remaining two were on the third), all, or at least virtually all, could have been evacuated within three minutes. Moreover, even if you doubt the idea that the E-4B over the White House meant that there would have been a three-minute warning, the 9/11 Commission itself suggests that the military had "one or two minutes to react to the unidentified plane approaching Washington" -- time for at least virtually everyone on the first floor to have escaped. Why, if Pentagon officials were too virtuous to have wanted any of their own personnel to die, were no alarms set off?
I close by thanking AlterNet for giving me this opportunity to present to its readers some of the evidence that the government's conspiracy theory about 9/11 is a lie -- a lie, moreover, that has had enormous consequences for American policy, all of which have been destructive. There is, in my view, nothing more important than exposing this lie so that these policies can be reversed. And I thank you, Matt, for suggesting this interview.
Hope that there was enough information for you to mull over for some time to come. Happy Monday!!
Matt Taibbi is a writer for Rolling Stone. He is the author of The Great Derangement (Spiegel and Grau, 2008).
David Ray Griffin is Emeritus Professor of Philosophy of Religion and Theology, Claremont School of Theology and Claremont Graduate University (California). His 34 books include seven about 9/11, the most recent of which is The New Pearl Harbor Revisited: 9/11, the Cover-Up, and the Exposure" (Northampton: Olive Branch, 2008).