Hooray We Survived The Black Friday Weekend :) !!

Just a very quick post to let you know that I survived black friday and the whole weekend, and I would like to thank everyone who came to the Coral Ridge Mall and spent your time and money.
I will comment at a later date about the abysmal way that people acted at the mall on Long Island, where the 34 year old man was trampled. Hopefully, everyone who trampled him will do prison time. Enough said for now!!
Anyway, back to our Coral Ridge Mall, I believe nearly everyone acted appropriately, even though I am sure you can tell me of individuals who were idiots. I found most people amusing and upbeat even though there was such a mass of people, even the employees had a good time. We were exhausted by Monday, but all in all it was a GREAT way to start the Christmas shopping season.
The Coral Ridge Mall did an awesome job of arranging the longer hours more toward the end of the month, when it really does help. We are working hard to beat our competitors at Jordan Creek, as we are a much better place to shop :) Personal bias I realize, but we are easier to get to and much happier to have you shop here.
Again this year, the Mall has it set up on the weekends that vehicles coming to the Mall from the South side, come in turn right, and then leaving the mall you continue in the same direction to get out. I personally wish this was year round, but this year it does seem like there are less people unfamiliar with the Mall, who drive toward you in your lane after dark.
Anyway a big hand to everyone from management, office, maintenance, and janitorial, for making the monster weekend a pleasant experience, and I hope shoppers came away with the same feeling. Thank You!!
Now I am getting some things done, and have to be up by early tuesday (day off), as I am doing a nice thing for my boss. I am going to take a one way trip to Des Moines on the 5:40 a.m. Greyhound to pick up his Suburban full of prints, which he allows me to drive the whole month, so I can have backup prints. This saves him driving it over and having to have someone follow him to give him a ride back to Des Moines. This will save him time and money, and only eat part of my one day off. Got to build up those Karma points whenever possible!!
So thanks for shopping and keeping it local, and please come see us again ALL month!!
If you have any good stories from this weekend please leave them in comments or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com and I shall do a post on them!!
Take Care and Goodnight!!
Daniel Carvel Kepler

Wrongly Obama Wants Rescue Plan Approved Immediately

Well, it is an interesting Monday morning as we wake up to hear that high government officials and bankers from Citigroup worked through the evening to "steal", I mean receive a bailout of billions more of our taxpayer dollars. Isn't it nice to see such diligent servants toiling through a weekend night?! Personally, I wish they would have taken the day off and not given anymore of our money away to legalized criminal enterprises like Citigroup. If anyone else did what they did, we would call it extortion, but because they are a bank which is "to big to fail", we give them money until it hurts "US".
What a crock of something smelly this bailout nonsense has become, and daily the line of "bailoutees" grows and grows, and so does the anger out here in "real" America. We have had it with giveaways, and want our elected leaders to do as we say, and not as the "monied" interests want them too. Remember we have elections to send you people to Washington to do our bidding, and giving all of our money away was not what we had in mind. If you are going to do the same thing we did before, then what is the point of even holding elections. We could hire permanent civil servants to give our money away if that is what we want our country to do, instead of wasting all of the time, energy, and money to elect "new" leaders who are going to do the same old thing.
WASHINGTON~~~Wake up now before you drown us in your bailout madness. The markets cannot stabilize when you keep propping up bad companies, instead of allowing them to fail, and letting other better run companies to take their place. Simple common sense should be the mainstay of our government, not this fairy tale that they are trying to sell us, that they know what is best for the country. Just look at how inefficient the government is run, and then tell me that we want the whole economy to be run that way. Nonsense, Nonsense, and more Nonsense!!
Here is a story at Yahoo News concerning President elect Obama's economic recovery plan, and after reading it you may well be asking yourselves where his catch phrase of "Change and Yes We Can", come in, when it is just more Bushie economics. Perhaps it will just be transitionary, but please know that you are not doing what you were elected to do, if you follow Bush policies which have already failed. You promised a fresh approach and that is what we expect~~thank you very much!!

Anyway here is the lead into the story at Yahoo:
With the economy in crisis, President-elect Barack Obama called on the new Congress to act quickly in passing a costly stimulus package to create jobs as a follow-up to the hundreds of billions of dollars the Bush administration has committed to rescue financial markets.
"The economy is likely to get worse before it gets better," Obama said in a downbeat forecast, delivered 57 days before he takes the oath of office and with Americans heading into the year-end holiday season.
"Most experts now believe that we could lose millions of jobs next year," he said, urging the newly elected Congress to act quickly on his plans after opening its session on Jan. 6.
At a news conference, Obama was critical of the Big Three automakers, saying he was surprised they did not have a better-thought-out plan for their future before asking Congress to approve $25 billion in emergency loans.
link to full story

103 Years Later Einstein Is Proven Right

It has been a busy week as we prepare everything for "black friday" and the onslaught of customers. I have arranged all of the art prints so they will be easier to flip through, and for me to access any multiples that I might have for very popular prints. Don't let the economy scare you, sales are already ramping up this week, and it looks like it will be a sprint to Christmas.
Anyway, this is the first moment I have had to get anything posted for a few days, and I read this interesting story concerning Einstein's e=mc2 equation being verified after 103 years, and thought this was a good way to start Friday!!

The Yahoo News story begins: It's taken more than a century, but Einstein's celebrated formula e=mc2 has finally been corroborated, thanks to a heroic computational effort by French, German and Hungarian physicists. A brainpower consortium led by Laurent Lellouch of France's Centre for Theoretical Physics, using some of the world's mightiest supercomputers, have set down the calculations for estimating the mass of protons and neutrons, the particles at the nucleus of atoms.

According to the conventional model of particle physics, protons and neutrons comprise smaller particles known as quarks, which in turn are bound by gluons. The odd thing is this: the mass of gluons is zero and the mass of quarks is only five percent. Where, therefore, is the missing 95 percent? The answer, according to the study published in the US journal Science on Thursday, comes from the energy from the movements and interactions of quarks and gluons. In other words, energy and mass are equivalent, as Einstein proposed in his Special Theory of Relativity in 1905. The e=mc2 formula shows that mass can be converted into energy, and energy can be converted into mass.
link to the full story

Abraham Lincoln News: Copy Of Famed Lincoln Letter Turns Up In Dallas

It has been a few days since last posting as thankfully we have been very busy at the Coral Ridge Mall. People took advantage of the cold weather to come out and shop heavily Friday, Saturday, and to a lesser extent Sunday, but all in all it was a very good weekend!! Thank you to the patriotic shoppers who made the effort to pull the retail sales out of the doldrums:)
I see there have been many bad stories out there, from the wildfires in California, to the taking of another ship by Somali pirates, but I found this "cool" story at Yahoo News this morning, and beings I am a huge fan of Abraham Lincoln wanted this to be the first post of the week!!

A Texas museum hopes a document found in its archives turns out to be an authentic government copy of Abraham Lincoln's eloquent letter consoling a mother thought to have lost five sons in the Civil War. The famed Bixby Letter, which the Dallas Historical Society is getting appraised as it prays for a potential windfall, has a fascinating history. The original has never been found. Historians debate whether Lincoln wrote it. Its recipient, Lydia Bixby, was no fan of the president. And not all her sons died in the war.

The letter, written with "the best of intentions" 144 years ago next week, is "considered one of the finest pieces of American presidential prose," said Alan Olson, curator for the Dallas group. "It's still a great piece of writing, regardless of the truth in the back story." Historians say Lincoln wrote the letter at the request of a Massachusetts official, who passed along news of a Boston woman grieving the loss of her five sons. The letter is addressed to "Mrs. Bixby, Boston, Mass." and begins with an acknowledgment that nothing written could possibly make a grief-stricken mother feel better about such a horrific loss.
"I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming," Lincoln wrote. After thanking Bixby on behalf of a grateful nation, Lincoln wrote that he would pray that God relieve her anguish and leave her with only the "cherished memory of the loved" along with "the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom." The letter, as was the president's custom in his personal correspondence, is signed "A Lincoln."
link to full story

Day After Hump Day Humor: A Week After The Election~~Financial Crisis Edition

Happy day after Hump Day, a week after the election edition. In that week, we have had Wall Street show utter confidence in the new situation by tanking nearly everyday, and continuing to whine for more bailout money. They continue to waste our money on resorts, and vacations, as AIG executives did right after receiving $125 billion more dollars from Uncle Sucker!!
This behavior was anticipated by those of us, who opposed helping anyone out, and now that Uncle Sucker is open for business, everyone is asking for a handout. After GM and Chrysler, it will be Ford, then the airlines, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, and we will continue working 63 hours a week, with no relief, nor end in sight, as the debt rises well above $10 trillion!!
I am too angry at the media for gleefully reporting the bad news everyday, and ignoring any positive signs that could turn this "recession" mentality around. Even local news is jumping on the band wagon with stories plastered on the front page about GGP, which owns Coral Ridge Mall, as well as many others throughout the country, and are in a financial "pinch" since the credit markets have dried up.
Well, let's also show that this is one of the strong malls, and that if credit turns around quickly, they should do just fine. Please, let's have the positive spin, and make sure to tell consumers to get out and do your Christmas shopping early. Perhaps you will even cut back a little, but if you have a job, and are reasonably sound, don't let the doom and gloomers, keep you out of the stores!! Come on out and see our cheerful, smiling faces, and spread the wealth in your own personal way!! Thank You!! :)
Now let us show a little American spirit and have a good day with some jokes, that may even be humorous ;)

A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away. Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer. "I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary." The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't know anything about cars!"
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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Rules For Buying Gifts For Men:
Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why. Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why. Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks. Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why. Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over. Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why. Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!
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A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!" "Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"
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A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" "No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"
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Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells. My uncle's favourite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was,but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, with bells ringing. Well, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Prize", but also the "Pullet Surprise!"
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How To Annoy A Policeman (If Your dare And If You Are Stupid!!)
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!" 2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70. 3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet. 4. Trip and fall into him. 5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 7. Try to sell him your car. 8. Ask if you can buy his car. 9. Tell him you like men in uniform. 10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old. So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said. "But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise. "She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"
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Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop." Customer: "Ok." Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked. The old man replied, "No, he never has done." So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man replied, "He's not my dog!
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A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?" A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"
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A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh. At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam." The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!" "Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"
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The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. 'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.' Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. 'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?' 'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!
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A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment. The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
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Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem, touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"
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"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, he said I was hostile. "If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. "If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic
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Here Are Some LeftOver Quips About The Recent Election On LateNight Television:
"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno "And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno "Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien "John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno "But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman "The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'" --Conan O'Brien "With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno "But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman "Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert "The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno "By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can't go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness." --David Letterman
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Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?" The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."
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Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Mike: Neither will Bob
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Carpe Diem -- Seize the DayCarpet Diem -- Seize the carpetCarpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbookCarpe Duh -- Seize an idiotCarp Diem -- Fish of the dayCrampy Diem -- Seize the MidolCarpe Diet -- Seize the rice cakeCarpal Diem -- Seize the knucklesCarpe Dig'Em -- Seize the chips 'n dipCarpe Carp -- Seize the fishCarp Diem -- complain dailyCarpe Per Diem -- seize the checkCarpe Canem -- seize the dogCarpe Devo -- seize the recordCarpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-OSharpei Diem -- sieze the wrinkled dog
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Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"
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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
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It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
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Thank You.....Thank you very much...and have a great night!! If you have any jokes to add, please leave them in the comments or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com. Now I need to check my Fantasy Football Team line-ups before tonight's game ;)
Good Luck To Us ALL!!!:)
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Hawks BEAT Penn State And Monks FIGHT For Jesus

Well it is another Monday full of happiness and hope, as the University of Iowa Hawkeyes BEAT Penn State on Saturday in the last seconds, with a field goal, finishing the game 24 to 23. I was working at my Art Kiosk between Bennigans, and Chick-fil-A and Target. As the game wound down, a crowd was gathering just outside Bennigans on myside, as people watched the big screen television Bennigans has on their east wall through "their" windows.
There was alot of murmuring and quiet hopes as the Hawkeyes moved down the field and lined up for the field goal. A HUGE cheer went up as the ball went through the uprights, and a great deal of congratulations ran through the hallway, as whoops and hollers continued for a few minutes.
It was an awesome ending and it was a joy to wake up Sunday morning and find out that it was not just a dream!!
Congratulations to the Hawkeyes who participated in this Awesome Win, and Best Of Luck on the upcoming Purdue game, this Saturday!!
There are a few stories of interest this weekend, from the sad news of the deaths of 20 Russian submariners in the accident onboard their new sub, to the moderately amusing story of the fight between the Orthodox Greek monks and the Armenian monks at the Church of The Holy Sepulchre, which is supposedly were Jesus (the Prince of Peace) was killed, buried, and arisen!?! I know violence shouldn't be amusing, but I guess it is the irony of it that got my attention. So here is the "Brawling For Jesus" story at Yahoo News with a link to the full text and photos.
Have a Good Monday!!

Israeli police rushed into one of Christianity's holiest churches Sunday and arrested two clergyman after an argument between monks erupted into a brawl next to the site of Jesus' tomb.

The clash between Armenian and Greek Orthodox monks broke out in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, revered as the site of Jesus' crucifixion, burial and resurrection. The brawling began during a procession of Armenian clergymen commemorating the 4th-century discovery of the cross believed to have been used to crucify Jesus.

The Greeks objected to the march without one of their monks present, fearing that otherwise, the procession would subvert their own claim to the Edicule — the ancient structure built on what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus — and give the Armenians a claim to the site. The Armenians refused, and when they tried to march the Greek Orthodox monks blocked their way, sparking the brawl.

Police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said police were forced to intervene after fighting was reported. They arrested two monks, one from each side, he said. A bearded Armenian monk in a red-and-pink robe and a black-clad Greek Orthodox monk with a bloody gash on his forehead were both taken away in handcuffs after scuffling with dozens of riot police.

Six Christian sects divide control of the ancient church. They regularly fight over turf and influence, and Israeli police are occasionally forced to intervene.

link to full story

Friday Humor:Lighten Up And Stop Hating Already Edition!!

Well it has been 2 days since the results of the Presidential election have had time to sink in, and Wall Street is handling the news well, with only a small 1,000 point drop, over wednesday and thursday, but is up a little friday.
I heard on the news that guns sales are brisk as people stock up, before President Obama bans all firearms.?.
The hate filled emails are filling the inboxes, and threats/jokes about the new President being assassinated are making workplaces fun again!?!
What the Hell is wrong with this country?
The President doesn't even take the oath of office until January 20th, 2009, and already there is such contempt and hatred, that I worry for this nation!
Let's lighten things up a little bit, and give our New President a chance, before getting all fired up and hateful!! After all the worst thing that could happen is that Obama would end up like the last three utter Presidential failures; George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, and Ronald Reagan!! I know some fellow "delusional" Republicans cannot understand Ronald Reagan being listed, as they loved him, but he was an evil failure nonetheless, and being loved is no appropriate way to gauge success or failure, as there are people who loved Hitler, and yet he was still an evil failure, just like Reagan( Sorry to Reagan Lovers, But My Hatred Is Very Personal, And Very Deep)!!
Anyway, enough politics for the week!! We can all pray that our Nation will get back on the right track, and one way to do that, is by spending money and reigniting this economy. I have been receiving "tons" of prints for the last week, and have been busy finding room for them, and that is why I have been unable to write for a few days.
The Coral Ridge Mall should be a wonderfully packed "house" with happy shoppers this weekend as Penn State comes to play the Iowa Hawkeyes in football on Saturday. So stop in Friday after work, and spend Saturday and Sunday "buying" Christmas gifts!
The weather is perfect for shopping, and many places are already bringing in special merchandise and having sales!!
Here is some humor that is obviously lacking for alot of disappointed people this week:

Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
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A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones. The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own. The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
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Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
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In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity. If you are really interested to know, the above means: "Be brief and don’t use big words."
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres". The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches: - Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships. - Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor. - Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.
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One of the presidential candidates was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the candidate if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the candidate asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," said the candidate, "that would be an accident." A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," the candidate said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The candidate searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If your campaign plane, carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy." "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the candidate. "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."
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Why engineers don't write recipe books. Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO33.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O116.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O117.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) Directions: To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
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On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here; I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
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A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. He orders a drink and the barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?" The man replies, "It’s a long-running family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday." To which the barman remarks, "Then I have some bad news for you - it’s Wednesday." Sheepishly, the man says, "Oh dear, I must look like a real fool!"
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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Suprised, he asked him, "Why are you reading both those books/' "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother."
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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend pitching woo in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That dumb Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
And I Believe We Shall End On This VERY Good Idea, Hopefully, This Practice Shall Be Instituted At Your Work Locations Immediately!!;)
Thanks for reading, and If you wish to send any jokes, stories, or hate filled emails, please write me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, or just leave a comment!!
Good Luck And Take Care!!
In the next few days we shall get on with important stories, like the beginning of the Presidential campaign for 2012!!!!!!!!

Fact Check: The Myths That Wouldn't Go Away

Tomorrow is the "big" day, when half of the country will be elated, and the other half devastated, as the election finally arrives and our 44th President is chosen by "We" the people.
Before that there is still time for many things to occur and perhaps change the outcome. One thing that has not changed is the myths that have refused to die.
The following story is at Yahoo News, by Calvin Woodward, an Associated Press Writer, confronting and correcting the myths on both sides:
Facts have taken a beating in Campaign '08.
Each in his own way, John McCain and Barack Obama have produced enduring myths, amplified by their running mates and supporters. When a non-licensed plumber who owes back taxes and would get a tax cut under Obama is held out by McCain as a stand-in for average working Americans who should vote Republican, you know truth-telling is taking a back seat to myth-making.

McCain has clung tenaciously to many of his distortions throughout the campaign, yielding on a few. Obama has taken a different tack when he is called on his misstatements. Although perhaps too late to really set the record straight, he's edged closer to the facts. You might need a microscope to tell the difference, but slight variations in a pitch or accusation can make all the difference between bogus and real.

Obama saddled McCain with a bum rap when he accused the Republican of wanting a 100-year war in Iraq back in the spring. Finally he relented and said McCain sees U.S. troops being in Iraq for 100 years. That's closer to right — as a peacekeeping force like the one in South Korea. But McCain might be long associated with war without end.

Obama accused McCain of wanting to privatize Social Security, which he doesn't. Now he accuses McCain of wanting to privatize "part" of Social Security, which he does, as one option that younger workers could choose.
link to full story

The Real Salem Witch Trials

This has been a nightmare end of the week, as Internet connectivity problems have battered me for four days. I am hoping that this is something "they" were doing, i.e., some local work, and that is what was causing the loss of signal, but perhaps it is just this computer, as it is getting ancient.

Anyway, here is a little something left over from Halloween, and tomorrow I shall tell you who you must vote for and why;)

The Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts between 1692 and 1693. More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft—the Devil's magic—and 20 were executed. Eventually, the colony admitted the trials were a mistake and compensated the families of those convicted. Since then, the story of the trials has become synonymous with paranoia and injustice, and it continues to beguile the popular imagination more than 300 years later.

Salem StrugglingSeveral centuries ago, many practicing Christians, and those of other religions, had a strong belief that the Devil could give certain people known as witches the power to harm others in return for their loyalty. A "witchcraft craze" rippled through Europe from the 1300s to the end of the 1600s. Hundreds of thousands of supposed witches—mostly women—were executed. Though the Salem trials came on just as the European craze was winding down, local circumstances explain their onset.

In 1689, English rulers William and Mary started a war with France in the American colonies. Known as King William's War to colonists, it ravaged regions of upstate New York, Nova Scotia and Quebec, sending refugees into the county of Essex and, specifically, Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. (Salem Village is present-day Danvers, Massachusetts; colonial Salem Town became what's now Salem.) The displaced people created a strain on Salem's resources. This aggravated the existing rivalry between families with ties to the wealth of the port of Salem and those who still depended on agriculture. Controversy also brewed over Reverend Samuel Parris, who became Salem Village's first ordained minister in 1689, and was disliked because of his rigid ways and greedy nature. The Puritan villagers believed all the quarreling was the work of the Devil.
link to full story

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 29th Edition

It is nearly Halloween, which shall be awesome, and then just a few days later, we shall finally have the November 4th election, and a new President. I am sure everyone is looking forward to this long contest coming to an end.
I hope that everyone takes there opportunity to vote serious, but if you cannot bring yourself to vote for anyone, that is fine as well, because part of our rights as an American, is the right to not vote. I have exercised that option before, in elections where I loathed both candidates. So sit back enjoy the jokes today, and add some if you like. It is always fun to see a joke that is "new" to me!! :)

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone
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A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
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12 step program for recovering web addicts:
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
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I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.
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Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "But his face sure rings a bell."
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An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either."
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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get? Student: The wrong answer.
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There were these two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The first blonde said, "You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!"
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The teacher asked Mary, "If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?" Mary immediately answered, "Seven!" The teacher was puzzled and asked "Why seven?" "You really think I would give David any of my cookies?"
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
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The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
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The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
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Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
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What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
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A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
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Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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They used this next joke in the old movie Capricorn One:
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
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Happy Hump Evening!!

The Worst Appetizers In America

Before we do the Hump Day Humor post, I thought I would post this next story, for those of you who actually go out on wednesday evenings to enjoy the hump day!! So enjoy the story and then go out and "bust a gut" at your favorite eatery and watering hole tonight :)

The story at Yahoo News-Health is as follows:
A funny thing has happened to America’s restaurant appetizers: They’ve started growing bigger than the meals they prepare us for. It’s now common to wolf down 500 or 600 greasy calories before we even start on our entrees. One might wonder where all the calories end up.
The answer is: our collective belly-fat supplies. The obesity rate stayed constant in only 13 states last year, while the other 37 states saw an increase. This big fat growth — which stretches over 75 percent of America — is due in no small part to our propensity to eat full meals before we eat full meals. (It’s not uncommon anymore to take in two days’ worth of calories in one meal at one of our favorite restaurants.)

To help you wrap your arms around the problem, we’ve gathered the most gluttonous pre-meal binges in America. If this list doesn’t make you hungry, then you’re already ahead of most of us.
CHILI’STexas Cheese Fries w/ Jalapeno-Ranch Dressing2,070 calories160 g fat (73 g saturated)3,730 mg sodiumFat Equivalent: Like eating 16 Taco Bell Crunchy Tacos!
link to full story

Ordinary Joes Have Mixed Feelings On Wealth In America

The last days of the Presidential campaign have brought to the fore, one of the most important aspects of what is important to people in this country. Namely, as evidenced by the story below, as well as others, that a great number of people think that our nation is divided between rich and poor, with virtually no middle class anymore.

McCain touts Obama's socialist agenda, even as he promotes a $300 billion bailout of homeowners by the government, making it hard to tell the Republican Socialists from the Democrat Socialists. It all comes down to who benefits from the government to decide which "socialist" party you want to in the White House this November. If you are for corporate bailout socialism, then you are a McCainiac, and if you are for helping people in poverty up through the "middle" class, you would be an Obamanite! It is a little more complex than that, but not too much more.

Anyway I found this interesting story at Yahoo News concerning our changing attitudes toward wealth in America:
NEW YORK – The war of words waged by John McCain and Barack Obama for the votes of plumbers and other average Joes is a reminder of the nation's long-standing doubts about concentrated wealth — and its qualms about doing something about it.

Americans have voiced concerns about putting too much wealth in to too few hands since the country was founded, but the public's views also come with contradictions. Now it's clearer than ever — thanks to Obama's much scrutinized talk about taxes with a certain Ohio voter and McCain's dogged criticism — that these mixed feelings about income inequality are a long way from being resolved.

"I think that when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody," Obama told the man — maybe you've heard of him — Joe the Plumber. The remark may have sounded pretty innocuous. But McCain has lambasted his rival's words as sounding "a lot like socialism," and turned the criticism into a central theme of his campaign's final round. Obama's remarks, McCain says, are emblematic of a tax plan to confiscate wealth and give it to the poor that would make the IRS "into a giant welfare agency."

The comments of both presidential candidates touch nerves in American politics — longtime concern about too much concentration of wealth, but also about the role of government and the individual. More than two centuries after Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson and other early leaders warned about the hazards of too much in the hands of too few, Americans have developed complex views on the intertwining issues. A substantial majority of Americans say the rich don't pay their fair share of taxes, opinion polls show. A growing number say the U.S. is becoming a nation of haves and have-nots.
link to full story

Just A WEEK Until............

Florida Man Lives With The Hanging Chads Of 2000 Election

Wow, what a long week! The stock market is tanking, as is oil~Hooray, and gold, as the world is melting down, on self-fulfilling prophesies of DOOM!!
I have been having a rough week as well, as I purchased the game Bejeweled for the PC, and have found it to be addictive, so I haven't been paying much attention to the news until today!!
I am just reading through some of the headlines, and watched a bit of Fox News as I was getting ready for work, and realized that McCain must be melting down as well, as the anchors on Fox are barely able to stay in their seats, as they rant about Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, and other non-issues, in their typical "Fair and Balanced" ;) approach to the Presidential race.
Talk about being in the tank for McCain! My "Poor" Beautiful Megan Kelly, goes hysterically psycho on EVERY pro-Obama guest she has had on in the last few days! It is getting so bad, that I am waiting for her beautiful little head to start spinning around, and vomiting pea soup, as she is definitely "possessed" by McCain's Insanity!! Hell, even my favorite guy, Bill O'Reilly, is getting his talking points directly from McCain Headquarters~~as Bill's show has become the ALL SPIN ZONE FOR MCCAIN as of late!!

Anyway, I found an interesting little odd story at Yahoo News on the fringe of "political" stories, about a guy that purchased many of the old voting machines from Florida, after the fiasco of the 2000 elections and the infamous "hanging" chads recounts:
From ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. – It's been eight years since the re-count of the 2000 Florida election, but Jim Dobyns is still living with chads. One waited for him when he went to clean the top of the microwave. He found another by the coffee table. And when he was petting his cat recently he plucked one of the manila-colored flakes from its fur.
Three years ago, Dobyns bought 1,200 Votomatic III voting machines, ones used by Palm Beach County during that infamous election.
When the outcome of the presidential election hung on Florida's electoral votes, it was Palm Beach's ballots and their hanging, pregnant and dimpled chads that became the subject of scrutiny. Ultimately, Florida junked the machines statewide in favor of new technology.
Dobyns, though, can't get rid of the chads, which have leaked out of the machines and permanently into his life.
"I'll never get them out of the van," Dobyns said. "And I don't want to get them out of the van because I see it and I think: 'That's cool.'"

Dobyns, a Republican political consultant, isn't the only one who thinks the machines are cool. He has began selling the collapsable, briefcase-sized Votomatics on eBay or through his Web site for up to $75, plus shipping.

Recently, he leased 26 as props to the HBO movie "Recount," which was about President Bush's White House-clinching 537-vote victory in Florida over Al Gore. But his list of customers has also grown to include a congressional staffer, an executive with the New York City bar association, a few presidential libraries and a number of high school history teachers.

"I always like to say however you vote it always comes out Bush, and then the heated debate starts from there," said Joe Raschke, a Republican and friend of Dobyns' who lives in Chicago and who was given one of the machines as a wedding gift.

Most of the machines, however, have gone to Democrats, Dobyns says, who are still angry about the 2000 election and entranced by the machines. His wife, Pam, explains it this way: the voting machines became the election's villain; buying a machine is a way to control something Democrats couldn't. Owners say they like having a piece of history and that the pieces are a conversation starter, no matter what party someone belongs to. Chris Chiari, 34, a Florida business consultant and Democrat, bought two of the machines last summer — one for an auction and the other to set up in his den. "I can punch any hole I want. I own it," said Chiari, who voted by absentee ballot in Palm Beach County in 2000.

link to full story

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 22nd 2008: Football Is Rough Edition

I am still having trouble dealing with the Dallas Cowboys loss to the Rams last weekend, and so here are some football insult jokes, and just some plain old "clean" football jokes. We shall start with the insult jokes and work into the "clean" ones:

Simply insert your most-hated NFL team into the content of each football joke where indicated!
1. A Voice in the Darkness
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The (insert team) are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

2. It's a Wonder
Why do (insert team) players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.
3. Kissin' Cousins
What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen (insert team) fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
4. Grounded
Why did the (insert team) players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
5. Hit and Run
If you see a (insert team) fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike
6. A Day at the Beach
What do you get if you see a (insert team) fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!
7. No Way Out
You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of(insert team). You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the (insert team) fan… twice.
8. On the Bright Side
What do you call a (insert team) fan with half a brain?
Gifted!
9. Playing Possum
Why are the (insert team) like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
10. Licking the Problem
What did the average (insert team) player get on his Wonderlic test?
Drool!
-------------------------
Not to the "clean" ones yet:
A footbal coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs.. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen."
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Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George Will.
----------------------
After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
----------------------

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game
. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
-------------------
A Dallas Cowboys (enter your favorite team)fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Roger Staubach (enter your favorite player) days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."
------------------
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
-------------------
At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn't catch him.

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:

10. me neither
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OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he's had enough time to write a new book?
It's titled "If I Did This 2"!
------------------
Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!
-----------------
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string!
-----------------
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
-----------------
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
----------------
We better have some clean jokes before there are any more jokes, picking on my Cowboys!!
Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
-------
Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common?
A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
--------
Q: What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
--------
Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.
--------
The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.
---------
The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.
---------
Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
---------
After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?
----------
Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.

Have A Happy Hump Day (afternoon & evening) and if you have any good, bad, or ugly football jokes, please leave them in comments, or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall put them in the next football edition!! ;)

Go Cowboys!!!!!!
'

U.S. Pilot Was Ordered To Shoot Down UFO During Cold War

It has been difficult to even begin to think of anything to write about yesterday, or today, as I am still reeling from the defeat of my Dallas Cowboys, by the "Rams"!?!
It is unfathomable that we are playing so bad, though the intervention by our "stupid" owner, Jerry Jones, on a daily basis, is surely not helping the situation. He should take a long flight with fellow "moronic" sports owners, Al Davis of the Raiders, and Steinbrenner of the Yankees, and never return, which would aid their respective teams, immensely in recovering their greatness, just by virtue of their absence!!

Anyway, I finally found an interesting story at the odd news section of Yahoo News, concerning two U.S. pilots, who were ordered to shoot down a UFO during the Cold War:
Two U.S. fighter planes were scrambled and ordered to shoot down an unidentified flying object (UFO) over the English countryside during the Cold War, according to secret files made public on Monday.

One pilot said he was seconds away from firing 24 rockets at the object, which moved erratically and gave a radar reading like "a flying aircraft carrier." The pilot, Milton Torres, now 77 and living in Miami, said it spent periods motionless in the sky before reaching estimated speeds of more than 7,600 mph (12,000 kph).

After the alert, a shadowy figure told Torres he must never talk about the incident and he duly kept silent for more than 30 years.
link to full story

YouTube Links To: McCain And Obama Were Hilarious At Alfred E Smith Dinner Videos

I have been looking for links to the YouTube videos of last nights hilarious roast of Senators McCain and Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner, in New York City, and finally found them.

Thanks to callem in comments left on my earlier post on this event, who left a link to the full transcript of the event, should you wish to read it, rather than watch it.



McCains Video Link




Obamas Video Link



Thank You and Have A Great Friday Evening!!

McCain And Obama Were Hilarious At Alfred E Smith Dinner

Did you get the opportunity to watch Senators John McCain, and Barack Obama, at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner, in New York last evening? If you did not, you absolutely must go to YouTube, and watch the clips that are posted there, and if they rerun it on any channel, you really must watch it, in its' entirety, if you want to see a very, very funny side of these two Presidential contenders. Truly if the tone of this whole campaign had the markings of what they demonstrated last night, this would have been one of the most uplifting, and light-hearted campaigns in history, as opposed to the viciousness that has plagued the campaigns as of late.
Anyway, I have looked all over the news for a "good" accounting of what they said last night, and the best that I could find so far, was this story at Yahoo News, by Politico. Here is the lead in, and please follow the link to the whole story, where some clips can be seen, but don't forget to hit YouTube for the best videos of the event!!
When the going gets tough, the tough go to dinners.
Fancy dinners. White tie and tailcoat dinners like the Al Smith dinner in New York.
You may have missed the fact that the times are hilarious, but John McCain and Barack Obama were called upon to be hilarious Thursday night because that is what the Al Smith dinner demands. The dinner is sponsored by the Archdiocese of New York and raises millions of dollars for underprivileged children. It is a political rite of passage where the politicians are required to be funny. As if politics isn’t funny enough without trying.

It is the last time the two men are scheduled to be on stage together. McCain spoke first and was the John McCain of old, which is to say relaxed, droll and charming. “This is as good a place as any to make a major announcement,” he said. “It’s true that this morning I’ve dismissed my entire team of advisers. All their positions will be held by a man named Joe the Plumber.”

link to full story

Who Won The Debate And Your Vote?

Good Morning!! Did everyone stay up to watch the third and last Presidential debate, between Senator's John McCain, and Barack Obama? It was not as exciting as I thought it would be, and mostly was made up of previous talking points, with only a few actual personal attacks. I found the whole "Joe the Plumber" references pretty disengenuous by McCain, as he has as little in common with "Joe" as I do with Donald Trump, other than both being men and Americans, McCain really does not "feel" our pain. I thought McCain looked constipated, angry, and perplexed during his "deer in the headlights" moments, however Obama was no slacker in sliding past the real questions, and I feel he missed huge opportunities to reassure undecided voters, who still have qualms voting for a man who sits on boards with former terrorists.
I know Obama has denounced what Ayers did 40 years ago, but that doesn't mean, you sit on boards, even Republican boards with a man who wishes he could have bombed more people. Truthfully, I will qualify that comment by saying that I did grow up during the Weather Underground bombings, and I did not realize that Mr. Ayers was NEVER convicted for his crimes due to a technicality, so I will give Obama the benefit of the doubt that he did not associate this man with acts that were carried out when Obama was 8 years old. However, he could have laid this non-issue to rest once and for all, and said that in hindsight he would have checked more thoroughly on who was on the board, and would not have sat on it with Ayers! The American people will excuse poor judgement and mistakes, but they will not excuse arrogance in not admitting that you were wrong. If he admitted that he was wrong and made his mia culpas, the American people would already have forgiven him , and he could have already been rejuvinated, and locked this race up once and for all. But being stubborn in your refusal to admit errors in judgement will not fly, just ask Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, etc., and leaves an avenue for McCain and his cohort to try and drive a wedge between Obama and the undecided's.
Therefore, I think Obama won the debate, because he did not lose it, and McCain lost the debate, because he did not win it outright. He may have fired up his base, but lost the debate, because he did not give undecided voters any reason to think he was anything, but an angry, old man, who was going to "stay the course" even though we are headed for a collision course with reality.
It now comes down to voting for the lesser of two evils~~And May God Help Us Choose Wisely!!

This story of Who won the debate? is at Yahoo News Buzz:
The experts said this was John McCain's last best chance to turn the tide. The election has been going Barack Obama's way, and his republican rival needed a big win in the third and final debate. Did Sen. McCain get it? The polls say one thing, but do the pundits agree?

The Polls
According to a national poll that CNN conducted after the debate, 58% of people felt Barack Obama won the debate, while 31% felt that John McCain performed better. The poll also indicates that the majority of people polled felt Obama would do a better job on the economy, health care, and taxes. Additionally, those polled felt Obama was more likable and the stronger leader.

While CNN's poll suggests an Obama landslide, the folks at Politico have different results. According to an "exclusive survey" of undecided voters, 49% of folks felt Sen. Obama won, while 46% believed Sen. McCain could claim victory. Politico notes that the 3-point difference is within the poll's margin of error.
link to full story

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 15th 2008 No WALNUT or PECAN Edition

Well here we are on another Hump Day! The weather at the Coral Ridge Mall is a bit dreary outside, as it is a rainy, overcast, 53 degree afternoon. Therefore, a perfect day to come out shopping, as you will not have to compete with large crowds, and if you're not napping, you should be shopping, and doing your part to stimulate the economy!!

Last week I never did get to doing a post of jokes for Hump Day, we I went on my "humorous" WALNUT, and PECAN posts, and while a few people got the humor, many others did not, so I figure I better play it safe this Hump Day, and stick with definable jokes!! Have A Great Hump Day!! I hope you enjoy the jokes, and please remember to tune in for the last of the Presidential Debates this evening, because if sparks are going to fly, it will have to happen tonight!!

Here We Go:

These were some late night quips from the 18th of September that we didn't get to use then:
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
--------------------------------
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

-------------------------------
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-----------------------------
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better
----------------------------
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
--------------------------
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer
------------------------------
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
-----------------------------
As A College Student, You Should Start Worrying When...

You consider McDonalds 'real food'.

4.00AM is still early on weekends.

You'd rather clean than study.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps.

There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time.

The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit.

Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life.

You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
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Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."
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A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver.

The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding"

The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."

--------------------------------
A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

------------------------------
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
--------------------------------
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
---------------------------------
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
-----------------------------------
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
-----------------------------------
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
------------------------------------
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
------------------------------------
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
----------------------------------
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
-----------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
----------------------------------
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
----------------------------------
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
--------------------------------
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
--------------------------------
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
------------------------------
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
-----------------------------
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
-------------------------------
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
--------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible.

She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines.

So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous.

When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
------------------------------
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
------------------------------
Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Paris Hilton Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB

AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting

MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip
---------------------------------
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
-------------------------------
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.

The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

The sister said, "Very good then."

The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."

The sister replied, "Good job to you."

The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."

The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"
-----------------------------
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
----------------------------
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
--------------------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
------------------------------
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
-------------------------------
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
------------------------------
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling
------------------------------
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
--------------------------------
College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
---------------------------------
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.

“Why so many?” asked the bartender.

“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
----------------------------------

;)
Have a Great Hump Day, and as usual if you have a joke to share, please leave it in the comments, or email it to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and I shall use it with attribution to you, in one of our upcoming humor posts!!

Take Care :)