Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 29th Edition

It is nearly Halloween, which shall be awesome, and then just a few days later, we shall finally have the November 4th election, and a new President. I am sure everyone is looking forward to this long contest coming to an end.
I hope that everyone takes there opportunity to vote serious, but if you cannot bring yourself to vote for anyone, that is fine as well, because part of our rights as an American, is the right to not vote. I have exercised that option before, in elections where I loathed both candidates. So sit back enjoy the jokes today, and add some if you like. It is always fun to see a joke that is "new" to me!! :)

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone
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A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
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12 step program for recovering web addicts:
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
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I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.
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Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "But his face sure rings a bell."
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An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either."
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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get? Student: The wrong answer.
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There were these two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The first blonde said, "You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!"
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The teacher asked Mary, "If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?" Mary immediately answered, "Seven!" The teacher was puzzled and asked "Why seven?" "You really think I would give David any of my cookies?"
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
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The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
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The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
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Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
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What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
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A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
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Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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They used this next joke in the old movie Capricorn One:
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
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Happy Hump Evening!!

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 22nd 2008: Football Is Rough Edition

I am still having trouble dealing with the Dallas Cowboys loss to the Rams last weekend, and so here are some football insult jokes, and just some plain old "clean" football jokes. We shall start with the insult jokes and work into the "clean" ones:

Simply insert your most-hated NFL team into the content of each football joke where indicated!
1. A Voice in the Darkness
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The (insert team) are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

2. It's a Wonder
Why do (insert team) players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.
3. Kissin' Cousins
What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen (insert team) fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
4. Grounded
Why did the (insert team) players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
5. Hit and Run
If you see a (insert team) fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike
6. A Day at the Beach
What do you get if you see a (insert team) fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!
7. No Way Out
You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of(insert team). You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the (insert team) fan… twice.
8. On the Bright Side
What do you call a (insert team) fan with half a brain?
Gifted!
9. Playing Possum
Why are the (insert team) like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
10. Licking the Problem
What did the average (insert team) player get on his Wonderlic test?
Drool!
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Not to the "clean" ones yet:
A footbal coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs.. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen."
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Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George Will.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
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Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game
. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
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A Dallas Cowboys (enter your favorite team)fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Roger Staubach (enter your favorite player) days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."
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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn't catch him.

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:

10. me neither
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OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he's had enough time to write a new book?
It's titled "If I Did This 2"!
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Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string!
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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
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We better have some clean jokes before there are any more jokes, picking on my Cowboys!!
Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common?
A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
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Q: What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
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Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.
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The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.
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The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.
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Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?
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Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.

Have A Happy Hump Day (afternoon & evening) and if you have any good, bad, or ugly football jokes, please leave them in comments, or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall put them in the next football edition!! ;)

Go Cowboys!!!!!!
'

Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 15th 2008 No WALNUT or PECAN Edition

Well here we are on another Hump Day! The weather at the Coral Ridge Mall is a bit dreary outside, as it is a rainy, overcast, 53 degree afternoon. Therefore, a perfect day to come out shopping, as you will not have to compete with large crowds, and if you're not napping, you should be shopping, and doing your part to stimulate the economy!!

Last week I never did get to doing a post of jokes for Hump Day, we I went on my "humorous" WALNUT, and PECAN posts, and while a few people got the humor, many others did not, so I figure I better play it safe this Hump Day, and stick with definable jokes!! Have A Great Hump Day!! I hope you enjoy the jokes, and please remember to tune in for the last of the Presidential Debates this evening, because if sparks are going to fly, it will have to happen tonight!!

Here We Go:

These were some late night quips from the 18th of September that we didn't get to use then:
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
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Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

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During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better
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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
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The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer
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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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As A College Student, You Should Start Worrying When...

You consider McDonalds 'real food'.

4.00AM is still early on weekends.

You'd rather clean than study.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps.

There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time.

The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit.

Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life.

You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
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Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."
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A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver.

The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding"

The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."

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A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

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A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
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A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
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A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
-----------------------------------
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
------------------------------------
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
------------------------------------
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
----------------------------------
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
-----------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
----------------------------------
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
----------------------------------
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
--------------------------------
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
--------------------------------
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
------------------------------
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
-----------------------------
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
-------------------------------
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
--------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible.

She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines.

So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous.

When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
------------------------------
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
------------------------------
Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Paris Hilton Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB

AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting

MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip
---------------------------------
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
-------------------------------
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.

The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

The sister said, "Very good then."

The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."

The sister replied, "Good job to you."

The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."

The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"
-----------------------------
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
----------------------------
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
--------------------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
------------------------------
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
-------------------------------
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
------------------------------
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling
------------------------------
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
--------------------------------
College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
---------------------------------
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.

“Why so many?” asked the bartender.

“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
----------------------------------

;)
Have a Great Hump Day, and as usual if you have a joke to share, please leave it in the comments, or email it to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and I shall use it with attribution to you, in one of our upcoming humor posts!!

Take Care :)

Hump Day Humor Post Debate Edition Postponed

My Hump Day Humor October 8th Day After Debate Edition will be delayed until at least Thursday as I try and figure out what is going wrong with this computer. I was nearly finished writing the post, when the computer froze and I lost everything, "even" saved information!!

To tide you over here is a look at 10 things you didn't know about Presidential debates and hundreds of other humorous videos, and articles about politics at Comedy.com. Here is a sample:
1. The Lincoln-Douglas debates weren’t Presidential debates. You probably thought they were. They were running for Senate. And they weren’t debating for citizens. Citizens didn’t vote for the Senate, state legislatures did. Stuff was crazy in the 1800s.
2. All of their seven debates were about slavery. That used to be a big thing. Stenographers came to their debates. Newspapers that supported Douglas and slavery corrected grammatical errors made by the stenographers, while leaving Lincoln’s speeches in their rough form. He looked like a YouTube commenter. Lincoln edited them himself for a book after he was elected. The book was popular enough to get him nominated for President.
3. Both candidates spoke for about 90 minutes. Whoever went second did 90 in a row. That was back when candidates knew about stuff


Have a Nice Evening and hopefully I shall have it figured out by tomorrow!! ;)

link to comedy.com

Day AFTER Hump Day Humor September 25th Edition

It is the day AFTER Hump Day, and I hope everything is going well for you. I see that the fools in Washington are still trying to work out a deal to give our money away, and I hope we get in on the deal. I have lost quite a bit of money in my retirement fund (Powerball tickets) this last year, and I am hoping that they'll include me in the bailout to cover my losses!! ;)
Anyway, I was going to do a bunch of jokes on lobbyist's, but the few I could find were pretty lame, just like a lobbyist, so here are some silly ones instead, that have nothing to do with lobbyist's. I hope you enjoy them, and if you do have a "funny" lobbyist joke, please share it with us!! :)

The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.

The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”

This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears.

“Why not?” asked the doctor.

The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
--------------
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
---------------
Camel Question's
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

But Mom", "Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
---------------
Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open.

After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her.

She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop.

Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
--------------
Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
---------------
Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."
--------------
The Lawyer's Dog And The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
--------------
Army Of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
-------------
Our Town Is So Small...
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post!

- The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

- The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch

- The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

- The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions

- The phone book has only one page

- There's nothing doing every minute

- The ZIP code was a fraction

- Second Street is in the next town over

- There's no place to go that you shouldn't

- A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

- The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog

- The New Year's baby was born in October
-------------
Rottweiler And The IRS
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler?

Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.
-------------
No Smoking And Drinking
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.”

“Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny.

“Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother.

With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”
-------------
Make Me One With Everything
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.
--------------
Phrases Of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-------------
20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied,

"Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."
-------------
Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
---------------
Buying A Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
---------------

Have an Awesome Day After Hump Day As The Clowns In Washington Give Our Money Away!! ;)

Hump Day Humor September 17th: Economics Edition

The economy seems to be getting a tad bit more attention lately, so this weeks
Hump Day Humor will be the Economics Edition, and most of the jokes should relate
to it!
Thanks, Have A Great Hump Day and tomorrow is my last day off for while, as my
employee Dave Norcross, took a position with the Coral Ridge Mall Skating Rink as
the Assistant Manager. It is a full-time position with benefits, and I Congratulate
Dave for getting a "cool"(no pun intended) new job!! So if you get a chance stop by
and tell him Hi and Congratulations, as he is a Great Guy and an Awesome Worker!!

Thanks for selling from day one (nobody else had done that), and the best of luck
in your future!!
P.S. It is Beautiful weather outside, and it is relatively quiet at the Mall, so this is
your chance to shop without bumping elbows. You can take your time, buy alot,
have a nice lunch, buy some more, and not feel hassled in the least by crowds~~
I am telling you this is the day to stop by and start your Christmas shopping!!
Thanks and Take Care!!

On to the Jokes:

There is an old joke among economists that states:
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
A depression is when you lose your job.
--------------------------------------------
Humor is evolving, now we have a refinement:
"Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing" is true, but is not strong enough. Better:
"Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things." Specifically, Myrdal and Hayek shared one.
Roberto Alazar
(A rumor has it that there was a similar case in neuroscience, Golgi and Cajal, maybe economists are not so different!)
--------------------------------------------
Heard at the Wharton School.
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
--------------------------------------------
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
---------------------------------------------------------------
ECONOMISTS do it at bliss point
ECONOMISTS do it cyclically
ECONOMISTS do it in an Edgeworth Box
ECONOMISTS do it on demand
ECONOMISTS do it risk-free (in reference to the risk-free interest rate)
ECONOMISTS do it with a dual
ECONOMISTS do it with an atomistic competitor
ECONOMISTS do it with crystal balls
ECONOMISTS do it with interest
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Economists do it with models"
Heard at the LSE.
-----------------------------------
Econometricians do it if they can identify it.
Applied econometricians do it even if they can't.
----------------------------------------
Economists do it with Slutsky matrices.
---------------------------------------
Economists do it discretely AND continuously.
--------------------------------------
Economists do it on Leontief's table.
Heard at the Bocconi university in Milan.
--------------------------------------
"Econometricians do it with dummies"?
--------------------------------------
Morry Adelman at MIT claims that he heard this at Shell long ago:
"A planner is a gentle man,
with neither sword nor pistol.
He walks along most daintily,
because his balls are crystal."
--------------------------------------
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
--------------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
--------------------------------------
Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
--------------------------------------
A true story:
"I heard this from one of my professors. To protect him, no names will be revealed. This professor was about to get married. He went to the jewelers to get a wedding ring for his fiancee. The jeweler told him that he can have the inside of the ring engraved with the name of his fiancee for an additional $20 (remember, this was a LONG time ago). He said, "But that will reduce the resale value!" The jeweler was aghast. He said, "How can you say such a thing. You are a butcher!" "No," replied the professor, "I am an economist"."
---------------------------------------
An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."
The story is actually told about a non-economist, Danish Nobel prize winner Niels Bohr.
Since the publication of the joke I've been told that Bohr actually said that *he had been told* that it works whether...
----------------------------------------
Kenneth Boulding said, "Mathematics brought rigor to Economics. Unfortunately, it also brought mortis."
----------------------------------------
Economist related joke: Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.
---------------------------------------
There is one joke opportunity in Robert Kuttner, The Poverty of Economics, The Atlantic Monthly, Feb 1985, p. 79, which says: "George Stigler Nobel laureate and a leader of Chicago School was asked why there were no Nobel Prizes awarded in the other social sciences, sociology, psychology, history, etc. "Don't worry", Stigler said, "they have already have a Nobel Prize in ...Literature"
---------------------------------------
An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, then repeating the process.
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."
---------------------------------------
A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
- The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
- The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.
- The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exist and shouts from inside the room that he has it catched by the neck."
---------------------------------
True story. I'm riding up the elevator at the Boston ASSA meetings a few years back. In the car with me is a woman who works in the hotel. I ask her if economists are really as dull a bunch as they're made out to be. She responds that she used to be stationed at the NYC branch of the chain when the meetings were held there and that even the hookers had taken the week off.
--------------------------------------
Practice economy at any cost.
--------------------------------------
from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, Chapter 16.
Arthur awoke to the sound of argument and went to the bridge. Ford was waving his arms about. "You're crazy Zaphod," he was saying, "Magrathea is a myth a fairy story, it's what parents tell their kids about at night if they want them to grow up to be economists, it's..."
---------------------------------
from the preface to Paul Krugman's book, "Peddling Prosperity: Economic Sense and Nonsense in the Age of Diminished Expectations" (1994, page xi): An Indian-born economist once explained his personal theory of reincarnation to his graduate economics class. "If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist," he said, "you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist."
---------------------------------------
When two economists are out for a stroll together, how do you identify the Uof C economist? He's the one walking randomly.
---------------------------------------
Heard at the workshop of evolutionary economists at IIASA:
Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.
----------------------------------
True story: I was standing with Ken Arrow by a bank of elevators on the ground floor of William James Hall at Harvard. Three elevators passed us on our way to the basement. I foolishly said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go upstairs." He responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply with demand."
Curt Monash
---------------------------------------
Economist poem
If you do some acrobatics
with a little mathematics
it will take you far along.
If your idea's not defensible
don't make it comprehensible
or folks will find you out,
and your work will draw attention
if you only fail to mention
what the whole thing is about.
Your must talk of GNP
and of elasticity
of rates of substitution
and undeterminate solution
and oligonopopsony.
Kenneth E. BOULDING
------------------------------------------
Q. What do economists and computers have in common ??
A. You need to punch information into both of them.
------------------------------------------
Q. Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ??
A. If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
-----------------------------------
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion,
Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises.
---------------------------------------
AND FINALLY
Here's couple of more general jokes.
A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
-----------------------------------------
Okay one more
Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.
-----------------------------------------

REALLY THE LAST ONE
NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
-----------------------------------------
HAPPY HUMP DAY~~Don't forget to stop by the Bank and get a little "survival" cash for your mattress!!!!
The "Fundamentals of our economy are sound"!! No Really they are~~~Stop Laughing~~~I'm Serious!! ;)

Daniel :)

Hump Day Humor September 10th Evening Edition

I am unable to report the happy news of an O.J. conviction, as they seem bound and determined to give him a trial before finding him guilty. I really do not understand what is up with that, but nevertheless, I thought I would post this edition of Hump Day Humor to tide us over as we wait for his conviction announcement. Hell, our luck will be that it will drag on and on, instead of them just waterboarding him to confess, and then throwing him in prison~~our justice system sucks! Why can't we just accept an accusation of O.J. for anything as proof of his guilt, and be done with him. I had a few friends remind me that in our system, you are innocent until proven guilty~~Whatever, blah, blah, blah, "only if you are rich or famous", and he used to be famous, so he gets justice, that is just wrong ?!

Anyway, I hope you will find these jokes amusing, either this evening or when you see them Thursday morning. If I have enough time, I may do a second edition for Thursday, as it is my only day off and I am exhausted. I worked Tuesday, then drove a friend to Spencer, Iowa to meet her parents from Fargo, and spend the week with them at the Clay County Fair (largest county fair in the world), so 6 hours there, 6 hours back by 3 a.m., in bed by 4a.m. and up at 7 a.m. for another open to close. So bed is calling and tomorrow shall be "a day of rest" if no emergencies arise.

Take Care and Happy Hump Night!! :)

Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

========================
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Haiku Computer Messages

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
===============
Habit
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me and said, "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
===============
Customer Service
My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."
===============
The Barber
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
================
Doorbell
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"
================
The Calf
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
==================
The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
==================
The Quips are a few weeks old but still amusing:
Quips From Late Night
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno
================
Windsor Castle
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
===============
Three Doctors Hunting
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
===============
Simple Questions, Complicated Answers
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
==============
Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
===============
Bad ATM Messages
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
================
Sunday School
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
=================
Fastest Father
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
++++++++++

Take Care
AND
Good Night!! ;)

Hump Day Humor Final Bumper Sticker Edition

Happy Wednesday evening and a Hump Day Hello. Thursday is my only day off, so tomorrow is my "weekend" rest day, and I cannot wait. Anyway we are nearly to the end of the Bumper Sticker posts, and so I shall leave these with you this evening, and will bid you adieu until Friday.

I get some weird and off beat catalogs, and a couple of them are the ones with the clever, funny, stupid slogans~~like bumper sticker type slogans, and the ones on t-shirts, so I thought what the heck, it is extremely slow at the Coral Ridge Mall, so why not find the best ones, and do a series of posts. I decided to break it up as it got kind of annoying reading through the whole list.
So here is part 12 in the series, and always if you have one that is not on the list, please send it to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, or post it in the comments. Thanks:



The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Part 13

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Hang up and drive.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Honk If you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Part 14
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

And Here is the last and Final Part of this series~~~unless and until there are some "new" ones.
Part 15

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Your stupid!

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!

Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.




And that was Part 15, thanks for reading.....I hope you find some that you will be recounting to others, or actually buying the bumper sticker, and putting it on your vehicle. To all of those people who put bumper stickers on your vehicles, thanks for the informative, and often amusing slogans. We have a lot of time sitting at red lights, or in road construction, and reading your bumper stickers is often the only thing there is to do. Thanks for defiling your vehicle just for us;)

Have a Great late Wednesday and all day Thursday!!

Take Care!!