New NFL Rules Include Coin-Toss Choice

I was just reading this NFL rule change story at Yahoo Sports News, and wanted to pass it along to other football fanatics out there.
The NFL decided last April to allow coaches to make a choice if they win the coin toss at the start of the game—take the ball or defer to the second half, just as they do in college.
It takes effect when the Redskins visit the Giants Thursday night in the season opener, one of several new rules for the 2008 NFL season.
In the exhibition season, most teams have done it the old way—they have chosen to take the ball. But that may have been because coaches wanted to look at their offenses quickly so it could change when the games count and they decide they’d like to start the second half with offenses on the field.
“I think there are some advantages to deferring but we have played in an awful lot of games where, when we win the toss, we take the ball and we have done well in a lot of those games as well,” New England coach Bill Belichick said when asked why he took the ball at the start of Thursday’s game.
“I don’t know if there is anything to getting the ball and having first crack at it or giving it up and having that first possession in the second half.”
The coin toss deferral is one of several new rules, most of them geared to defense after a decade of rules that generally helped the offense.
They include:
— Giving designated defensive players a radio in his helmet, allowing coaches to relay defensive signals just as offensive signals are relayed from offensive coaches to the quarterback.
— Eliminating the 5-yard penalties for incidental face masks. Only the 15-yard penalty for grabbing and twisting the mask will be enforced. In addition, officials will be on the lookout for offensive players who latch on to the face masks of defenders in an effort to take them out of plays.
— Eliminating the force out rule. In the past, officials could rule a receiver whose feet had not touched in bounds had made a catch because a defensive player had forced him out. Under the new rule, a receiver must land with both feet in bounds regardless of whether or not he is hit while in the air.
“We feel that with so many levels of judgment that go into the force-out call, it creates a more consistent play when either you get your feet down for a complete pass or you do not,” says Atlanta president Rich McKay, co-chairman of the competition committee, which proposed the change.
— Extending instant replay to cover field goal and extra points and illegal forward handoffs. One reason the rule was added was a play at the end of a game in Baltimore in which Phil Dawson’s 51-yard game-tying field goal attempt for Cleveland bounced off an upright, then off the support behind the crossbar. Officials first ruled it no good because they thought it had hit the crossbar, then conferred and made the correct call.
The Browns went on to win in overtime.
— Muffed snaps will now be in play if they are not touched, allowing the defensive team to recover. In the past, they were ruled a false start.
Happy Football Season~~~We are definitely "READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL"!!! :)

Who Is Sarah Palin Is The Question As I Endorse Putin

Anyone but Manchurian McCain has been my refrain for the entire length of the contests, as I was for Fred Thompson, even though he was only in it for minute, and proved to be nothing like his image on television. I have come to this endorsement after little deliberation or thought, other than "will this be amusing?"! Since Fred bowed out, I have pretty much been for the darkest horse of them all, a man who isn't an American citizen, and as far as I know doesn't even have a desire to run for "our" presidency. He is in fact the ruler of Russia, one Vladimir (in charge by any title) Putin.
He has brought Russia back like no one since Stalin could have done. He kept what worked of a semblance of democracy, and went heavy handed on the rest to place Russia back on top of the pile of "powerful" nations, that need to be reckoned with over issues great and small, with the latest demonstration in Georgia just two weeks ago.

Now pretty much everyone who knows me, will understand that I am kidding in a way, though the desire to have that kind of power in one person is appealling (for me anyway). Russia has a Duma, where we have the Congress, but truly the only real power is wielded by Putin, unlike here, where everyone has to get in on the act, instead of just doing what needs to be done to fix our problems. So in that respect I envy Putin for having the power to fix things, which he has done, even if liberties are taken. Hell, they have been taken away here as well, and we don't even have a shining economy and a huge surplus to show for it.

Anyway on to the "real" story of the day, which I was just reading at Yahoo News:
John McCain's risky choice of Gov. Sarah Palin gives him a running mate who doubles down on his maverick image, may appeal to "hockey moms" and other women, and counters Barack Obama's aura of new-generation change. But he may have undercut his best attack on the Democrat.
If Obama is an empty suit, as McCain has suggested, is Palin suited for the Oval Office herself?
She is younger and less experienced than the first-term Illinois senator, and brings an ethical shadow to the ticket. A governor for just 20 months, she was two-term mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a town of 6,500 where the biggest issue is controlling growth and the biggest civic worry is whether there will be enough snow for the Iditarod dog-mushing race.
"On his 72nd birthday, is this really the one-heartbeat-away he wants to put in the White House?" said Rep. Rahm Emanuel, the No. 3 Democrat in the House. "What does this say about his judgment?"
It says that McCain wanted to add a reform-minded politician to his ticket, and an abortion opponent to boot. It says he needs more women to back him over Obama, who just welcomed a passel of Hillary Clinton voters into his fold but remains shaky with white males. And, finally, it's a recognition of how vulnerable McCain is despite polls showing it's close.
He put his money down on a darkhorse to try to change the race.
link to full analysis

Obama And Biden Heading To Pittsburgh

Well, it is one convention down, and one to go, as the first Black Presidential Nominee begins a "historical" journey toward the White House. Whether or not you support Barack Obama, it is definitely an exciting time to witness some of what Martin Luther King saw as a possible future for black citizens.
Perhaps this will ease race relations somewhat, though there will always be some white supremacists who will not accept a black man as their leader, but this history making journey is not for them anyway.
I am still not totally sure who I am leaning toward, though Vladimir Putin is still high on my list. He is a strong leader, with a true vision of where to lead a country, and we certainly could fix the Constitution, to allow him to run if he so desired. Anyway, that is just wishful thinking, as I am sure he is too busy "running" Russia, to even entertain the thought of running for President here;)

Anyway, back to the real news today. I was just reading this story at Yahoo News:
Their raucous convention in Denver over, Barack Obama and Joe Biden head to Pittsburgh today to start a Midwest bus tour through Pennsylvania, Ohio and Michigan.

The goal is to ride the momentum of a convention that culminated with an energetic speech before 84,000 people at Denver's Mile High Stadium.

The Democratic nominee promised to cut taxes for nearly all working-class families, end the war in Iraq and break America's dependence on Mideast oil within 10 years.

Obama says a McCain administration will be four more years of the current Bush White House, and that in November Americans must say "eight is enough."
He's promising to end what he calls eight years of broken politics and "failed policies of George W. Bush."

Republican John McCain sought to upstage his rival today by tapping little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Obama leaves the convention city of Denver as the first black man to be nominated for president by a major political party. The 47-year-old Illinois senator won over the party faithful — even some die-hard backers of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton — but the broader electorate awaits.
link to full story

Olympic Gold Medal-Winner Returns Home

We'll get to the reaction to Hillary Clinton's speech last night in another post, but more important than that is the return "home" of our "cool" Iowa Olympian, Miss Shawn Johnson. She did take gold in the all-around, but she acquitted herself very nicely anyway, with one gold, and three silver medals!! Welcome Home Shawn~~and start preparing for 2012.

The story at Yahoo Sports News reads:
The story, as told by Shawn Johnson, goes like this: She was headed to David Letterman’s show Monday from Chicago when the airline reported a problem.

Apparently, the pilot had an incident when he heard Johnson was on his plane.“I guess he just like freaked out and hit his head,” Johnson said Tuesday to a crowd of thousands in her first appearance back to her hometown. “They had to take him to the hospital for stitches.”

The hysteria continued Tuesday night at the Wells Fargo Arena, where the gold-medal winning gymnast was feted with a reception worthy of a rock star.

Johnson, 16, won one gold and three silver medals at the Olympics. Iowa has seen Johnson in several iterations: her ever-present grin at the Beijing Olympics, a bronze sculpture in the Iowa Hall of Fame, and an all-butter representation kept in a cooler at the Iowa State Fair.
link to full story

Russia Ignores Agreement As Russia Lawmakers Recognize Breakaway Regions

In several stories that I have been reading around the internet it has become obvious that the Russians have absolutely no intention of doing anything to abide by their agreement, beyond what "they" wish to do.
This incident has shown the world that Russia will not sit by, as "We" encourage their former republics to join NATO, place missiles on their doorsteps, and injure their interests in "their" part of the world. Their Putin doctrine, is similar to our Monroe doctrine, and should be considered in everything we do to or with Russia.

Bush has turned a formerly docile ex-Cold war enemy, into a resurgent Cold war II enemy, all because we poked our finger in the eye of the Russian bear at every opportunity, and made sure they wallowed in their failure, as we rejoiced in our victory over them. How nice, and now we shall have to decide if we really want to continue down this path, or try something less drastic, to try and keep them as less then an enemy, even if they can never be friends.

The tragedy of this latest incident in Georgia is that if we intend on making Russia and enemy once again, then we messed up, as we should have at least lent enough assistance to bloody the Russians nose. Now I am not advocating that course of action, but obviously those in power want to Russia as an enemy, so they should have at least let them "know" that "We" would not allow them to act as they did without military repercussions.

Today the story at Yahoo News, has the Pentagon saying that Russia is still not honoring its ceasefire agreement with Georgia and continues to maintain a "large presence" of troops in the former Soviet republic.

"They are still not living up to the terms of the ceasefire agreement" which Moscow signed with Tbilisi more than a week ago, said Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman.

"They are failing to live up to and honor the terms of the agreement," he said, adding that "there continues to be a large presence of Russian forces in Georgia."

Pressure has steadily built on Moscow, which sent tanks and troops into Georgian territory in response to a Georgian offensive on August 7 to retake the breakaway region of South Ossetia, to adhere to the French-brokered peace agreement.

Russia withdrew tanks, artillery and hundreds of troops from their most advanced positions in Georgia on Friday, saying it had fulfilled all obligations under the agreement. But as of late Sunday Russian troops still controlled access to the key port of Poti located south of the Moscow-backed rebel region of Abkhazia, and had established other checkpoints around South Ossetia, where the conflict began.

European countries on Monday urged Russia to reject calls to recognise the independence of two Georgian breakaway regions, warning it would only ratchet up tensions in the battle-scarred region.

France, which announced it will convene a special European summit on the crisis in Georgia on September 1, expressed "concern" Monday about reports of looting, intimidation and destruction of homes in South Ossetia.


It is being reported that minutes ago, Russia's parliament unanimously approved resolutions on calling for the recognition of two rebel regions of Georgia as independent states, a move likely to worsen already strained relations with the West.

Both houses of Russia's parliament, controlled by Kremlin loyalists, swiftly endorsed non-binding resolutions urging President Dmitry Medvedev to recognize the pro-Moscow breakaway regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia.
link to full story

You Are Invited To Join The MURDEROUS MIDWEST MILITIA Football League

Good Morning!! It is getting close to draft time for Fantasy Football, and I am still looking to fill 6 team slots, on my free league. I thought that Yahoo Sports handled it if the league was not full, but they do not.
So please drop me an email at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, if you would like to join and I shall send the invite link to you, OR
Here is the link and the information to join, and if you do not have a yahoo i.d. you can register for FREE, so you can sign in to the league and create your team. If you have any problems, just email me!! Thank You!!
League Name: MURDEROUS MIDWEST MILITIA
League I.D.:292116
Password: MELISSA
Link:join daniel carvel kepler's custom league


If you are not interested, but know someone who would be, please pass on this information to them. Thank You and Have A Great Sunday!!

Daniel

Obama Picks Biden W T ?

I was drinking last night celebrating my birthday and this news came out that Senator Joseph Biden was Barack Obama's pick for his Vice-President, and I just thought it was the debilitating effects of Seagrams 7, and having worked 11hours, and having been awake for 22 hours, but upon awakening the news was the same.

I know there must be others out there who are shaking their heads, and saying "What The #$%^ was he thinking"!
Don't get me wrong, I think Biden is an amiable guy, who is like a lot of "us" pontificating, longwinded know-it-alls, who just happens to be a Senator, and has a forum to ramble. However, I just do not understand how this man can assist Obama in any area besides shoring up his "military and being tough on crime" credentials. It may help if McCain picks the original Stephen Douglas, and Biden can debate him like the old days for hours on end, as Biden would be able to out talk pretty much anyone.
Oh by the way, I did support Senator Biden for President in 1988, as I thought he was the best candidate, and then the whole lifting lines from Nile Kinnick flap occurred and ended that run.
I am perplexed and hope that the Obama supporters out there can explain to me how this helps anyone, but the morons like Rushie Limbaugh, Manchurian McCain, and others who wanted Biden to be the "one"?!
It is also perplexing that for all of the talk of unity and support by Hillary Clinton, she was never even vetted as a "possible" running mate, so that makes Obama appear a bit disingenuous as well, though I wouldn't hold that totally against him, because Hillary would have brought many issues into the race that they wouldn't have wanted to bring in, i.e. Bill's library donors, and other things from "their" days in the White House. Even so, who wouldn't rather trade the Clinton years for the Bush years, anyday. Well besides the obvious, Haliburton, Blackwater, et al., and other "looters" of the Treasury!
Anyway this should be an interesting race, and now we'll wait to see McCain's pick.

The story "of the day" is at Yahoo News and reads:
Democrats coalesced around Barack Obama's selection of Joe Biden as his running mate on Saturday while Republicans quickly seized on the Delaware senator's past criticism of the presidential candidate's inexperience. Former rival Hillary Rodham Clinton, an also-ran in Obama's search for a vice presidential choice, called Biden "an exceptionally strong, experienced leader and devoted public servant." Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Obama-Biden ticket will bring the change the country needs, including a filibuster-proof Senate majority.

The campaign of Republican rival John McCain wasted no time, immediately producing an ad featuring Biden's previous praise for McCain and comments critical of Obama from an ABC News interview last year. Biden had said he stood by an earlier statement that Obama wasn't yet ready to be president and "the presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training." "There has been no harsher critic of Barack Obama's lack of experience than Joe Biden," McCain campaign spokesman Ben Porritt said in a statement. "Biden has denounced Barack Obama's poor foreign policy judgment and has strongly argued in his own words what Americans are quickly realizing — that Barack Obama is not ready to be president." Some of Biden's Republican colleagues in the Senate praised the Delaware Democrat, including Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana. Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., called Biden "the right partner for Barack Obama" and the decision "good news for Obama and America."
Obama and Biden were set to meet for an afternoon rally in Springfield, Ill., in front of the old state Capitol where the Illinois senator kicked off his presidential campaign nearly 20 months ago.
link to full story

Another Working Birthday:) !!

It is another working Birthday, and I would like to invite anyone
coming to the Coral Ridge Mall, Coralville, Iowa, to stop by
the SmartArt kiosk (between Bennigans and Chik-fil-A, just outside
the Target doors) and say hi!!

It should be a Huge Weekend, as the Univeristy of Iowa college
students have one last weekend off before classes begin on
August 25th!!

Welcome one and all!!

Take Care!!

Happy Birthday Me ;)

p.s. I shall try and do more posts today, however the internet
connection is horrible today. I have been trying to post this for over
an hour already?!

Day After Hump Day Humor 21st Of August

I have not been able to do much yesterday or today. I had yesterday off, and spent it in bed resting my very sore back, and today I received 80 pieces of art, which I am trying to arrange properly, so here is a little "humor" to get us through the rest of today!! Thanks and have a Nice Thursday Evening ;)


Cow Joke
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.
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Thrill of the Chase
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Bird Hunting
Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."
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Bovine Chat
Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.

- "Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"

- "Yes, sounds nasty."

- "I'm glad I'm a chicken."
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Strange Problem
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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Ultimate Question
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.
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Loud, Mad, Or Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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Wife Wanted
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Tiny Lizard
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"
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Salespeople
How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
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Mistaken Identity
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Chicken Farmer
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
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Airline Fixes
I have a friend who is a very nervous flyer. During a recent trip he took from California to Indiana, it didn't help that his connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.

Then, after he was aloft, he noticed the cabin lights were flickering. Losing his peace of mind, he decided to mention this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching my friend leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
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What Really Matters
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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Driving Instruction
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
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Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
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Thong Cure
An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."

The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.

"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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Cloudy Clothing
What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderware.
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Kid Bites Back
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Harvard Grads
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
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Tech Support
Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"
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Computer Instructor
Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out.

So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.

She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"

Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.

When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)

And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.
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Don't Look At The Light!
Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."

Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"

Customer: "It has an light on top."

Tech Support: "On top?"

Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."

Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."

Customer: "Oh! It works!"
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Horrible Addiction
I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.

"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food addict."

It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's wrecked my life.

For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss. I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all.

One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon shortly after landing.

But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for me.

I'm quitting food cold turkey.
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Rules Of Driving
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
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Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."
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Truth In Politics
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.

Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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And Finally For Cat Lovers (and No I am not one of them:)
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!
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Take Care!

Shawn Johnson Gets Her GOLD

We finally get to congratulate our Iowa beauty Shawn Johnson, for winning Gold!! It is nice to see, after all she has won 3 silvers, and she has shown poise and grace throughout!! She hopefully will have a chance for more Gold in 2012, but the story today is Gold on the beam!! Congratulations!!

From Yahoo Sports:
Shawn Johnson finally got her Olympic gold medal in the last event of the women’s competition Tuesday night, the balance beam.

Johnson, bothered by a headache before the competition, nailed her routine that is chock-full of difficult tricks, earning a 16.225. Her grin was a thousand times wider than the 4-inch-wide beam she had just conquered.

“This is what we expected to see,” her coach Liang Chow said. “The thing I really am pleaed with is she was a little under the weather and she still was able to do a wonderful routine.”
link to full story

Musharraf Bows Out In Pakistan

In a month of surprises, there is one more occurring today, as President Musharraf of Pakistan resigns his office.

The story at Yahoo News states:
Nearly nine years after he seized power in a bloodless coup, Pakistan's beleaguered President Pervez Musharraf has decided to call it a day.

Dressed in a dark suit and looking sullen, the former army chief announced his resignation in a hastily arranged live televised address. "I hope the nation and the people will forgive my mistakes," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "Every decision I made was only with noble intentions."

Musharraf maintained his composure, but occasional flashes of indignation underscored the fact that the decision to step down was hardly his alone. It came days after the four-month-old coalition government decided to seek Musharraf's impeachment and the country's four provincial legislatures overwhelmingly passed what were in effect no-confidence votes against the President. Musharraf, a former commando who has braved two wars, was plainly reluctant to surrender, but the prospect of public humiliation at the hands of his political opponents proved decisive. "The coalition has decided that I am part of the problem and not the solution," Musharraf conceded in his speech. "I could fight back and answer back, but that may have led to deepening uncertainty."

link to full story and slideshow

Phelps Makes It 8 Gold Medals

A huge congratulations to Michael Phelps today, as he becomes the "Greatest" Olympian of all time, and surpasses Mark Spitz, with a record 8 gold medals. I have not written anything about Phelps, because I believe in "jinxes" and did not want to have to backpedal from heaping glory on this amazing athlete. It is also "cool" that he seems to be a nice guy, and that in itself is kind of rare in top athletes.
This Mr. Phelps proved his Mission was Not Impossible, and we were witnesses to this amazing feat~~~How Cool Is That!! :)

Anyway the story of the "century" is from the Associated Press, at Yahoo News and reads:
Michael Phelps locked arms with his three teammates, as though they were in a football huddle calling a play, then hugged each one of them.
It took a team to make him the grandest of Olympic champions. And one last big push from Phelps himself hard right to the end of a mesmerizing nine days in Beijing, Phelps helped the Americans come from behind Sunday in a race they’ve never lost at the Olympics, cheering from the deck as Jason Lezak brought it home for a world record in the 400-meter medley relay. It was Phelps’ history-making eighth gold medal of these games.
“Everything was accomplished,” he said. “I will have the medals forever.”

Phelps sure did his part to win No. 8, eclipsing Mark Spitz’s seven-gold performance at the 1972 Munich Games.
Aaron Peirsol got the Americans off to the lead in the backstroke, but Brendan Hansen—a major disappointment in this Olympic year—slowed them down with only the third-fastest breaststroke leg.
By the time Phelps dived in for the butterfly, the U.S. was trailing Australia and Japan. That’s when he really went to work.

With his long arms whirling across the water like propellers, Phelps caught the two guys ahead of him on the return lap and passed off to Lezak a lead of less than a second for the freestyle. The Australians countered with former world record-holder Eamon Sullivan as their anchor.
“I was thinking not to blow the lead,” Lezak said. “I was really nervous.”
Sullivan tried to chase down Lezak and appeared to be gaining as they came to the wall, but Lezak finished in 3 minutes, 29.34 seconds—Phelps’ seventh world record in his personal Great Haul of China.
link to full story

Police Dispatcher Saves Blaze The Wonder Jack Russell

Last week I was thanking law enforcement for the awesome job they did when
we had the R22 gas leak at the Coral Ridge Mall, and this week I am thanking the awesome Iowa City Police Dispatcher, who helped my friend retrieve Blaze the "old" Wonder Jack Russell.

After I posted my column looking for assistance, my friend contacted the Iowa
City Police again, and explained the type of medicine the "old" dog was on, the
dispatcher contacted the shelter director, who in turn contacted the animal
control officer, and Blaze was able to be picked up in Hills last evening. He was
home by 10 p.m. exhausted, but otherwise alright.

They did not get the name of the wonderful lady who was the Dispatcher, so I
am sending "her" a special thank you here and in a card which I am sending to the police department on Monday, and a general thank you to everyone who
assisted in getting the "old man" home :)

I am sending a special donation to the animal shelter this week, and encourage everyone out there to do so as well, as they do Great work for the animals in their care!!

p.s. the reference to doggy "jail" was sarcastic humor aimed at Blaze, because he is a "three time offender" and was not meant as a slam on the animal shelter!!

Have A GREAT Sunday!!

Need Assistance In Getting Blaze The Wonder Jack Russell Out Of Doggy Jail Early

I have a quick post to ask for assistance in getting an animal out of the shelter
before Monday morning.

My friends have an awesome older Jack Russell (Blaze the Wonder Dog), who
somehow got out of the gate in the backyard, and some well-meaning person,
contacted the police or animal control, and he is now in the Iowa City, doggy "jail".

We are trying to contact someone, who would have the authority let us pick him
up Sunday instead, as he is a "Big Whiner" and may not make it until Monday morning.

Please if anyone can assist us in getting him out sooner, email me at
danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, or just leave me a comment, as I am online most of
the time and will check it throughout the evening and all day tomorrow!!

Thank You!! Hang on "Blazer" !!

You Are Invited To Join Fantasy Football League

Good Morning!! It is getting close to draft time for Fantasy Football, and I am still looking to fill 7 team slots, on my free league. I thought that Yahoo Sports handled it if the league was not full, but they do not.

So please drop me an email at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, if you would like to join and I shall send the invite link to you.

Thanks and Have A Great Saturday!!!

Georgia President Signs Cease-fire With Russia

I was just reading this story minutes ago, concerning the signing of a draft truce agreement by Georgian President Saakashvili in Georgia, and Russian President Medvedev in Russia, which may begin the real withdrawal of Russian troops from Georgian soil. If this was a test for the West, we failed it miserably, and may indicate very bad things for the future of Nato, and the former Russian "partners", who are now threatened by a renewed Russia. It didn't help any that we signed a deal with Poland to place interceptor missiles on their territory, and may be one of the reasons the Russians hit Georgia so hard~~to teach Poland and others, what can happen to them if they stand against Russia. We shall write more on the missile deal later.

The story by the Associated Press story as Yahoo News reads:
Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili said Friday he signed a cease-fire agreement with Russia that protects his country's interests despite concessions to Moscow. Visiting Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Russia's invasion has "profound implications" for the West.

Hosting a news conference with Rice, Saakashvili said he will "never, ever surrender" in showdown with Russia, and he accused the West of inviting Russian aggression. He appeared just hours after President Bush stood outside the Oval Office of the White House and accused Russia of "bullying and intimidation" against Georgia. Bush said the Georgian people had chosen freedom and "we will not cast them aside."

For his part, Saakashvili said: "This is not a done deal. We need to do our utmost to deter such behavior in the future."

link to full story

Russia Rejects Georgian Territorial Integrity

In what appears to be a challenge, Russia is refusing to leave Georgian territory, and is obviously waiting to see what the world can and/or will do about their remaining there. Is it time for a military response, or shall we continue to let the diplomats try and coaxe them to leave. This is a difficult call, because this occurred as the Georgians tried to force South Ossetia to come back into the fold, which they did not wish to do. Russia initially went in to "protect" what it sees as Russian citizens, but once inside, they turned into the proverbial "bull in the china shop" and have spent the last few days breaking anything they deem of military value inside Georgia. This may pull us into armed conflict sooner rather than later, if it cannot be fixed very quickly.

The story at Yahoo News:
Russia's foreign minister declared Thursday that the world "can forget about" Georgia's territorial integrity, and officials said Russia targeted military infrastructure and equipment — including radars and patrol boats at a Black Sea naval base and oil hub.

Two American military planes delivered cargos of aid — including food and medicine — to Georgia's wounded and refugees. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said he sees no need to invoke U.S. military force in the war between Russia and Georgia. He warned, however, that U.S.-Russian relations could suffer for "years to come" if Moscow doesn't retreat.

Russia's president met in the Kremlin with the leaders of Georgia's two separatist provinces — a clear sign that Moscow could absorb the regions. And the comments from Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov appeared to come as a challenge to the United States, where President Bush has called for Russia to respect the sovereignty and territorial integrity of Georgia."
link to full story

Georgia Says Bombing Continues After Russian Order

I was just reading this story at Yahoo News, by CHRISTOPHER TORCHIA and MISHA DZHINDZHIKHASHVILI, Associated Press Writers, and there is some hope the Russian attacks on Georgian troops may be coming to a halt soon. Just a quick thought about this situation. Hasn't it been pitiful watching the toothless response of the United Nations, as they went hat in hand begging Russia to stop, with nothing to back it up but more "emergency" meetings. The United Nations was built with such great promise, but the sad reality is that is cannot do anything when the chips are down. I know that it is as much the United States fault as any other nation, because we only use the U.N. when it is convenient for our purposes, so perhaps our next President will resolve to "fix" this problem, by either working through the U.N. as it was intended for, or ending our involvement with it completely.
I would enjoy reading your thoughts on the United Nations as well if you have an opinion as to its' effectiveness or lack thereof. Thanks!

Anyway, the story reads:
Russia ordered a halt to military action in Georgia on Tuesday, after five days of air and land attacks that sent Georgia's army into headlong retreat and left towns, military bases and homes in the U.S. ally smoldering. Georgia insisted that Russian forces were still bombing and shelling.

Despite the pledge by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, Russia launched an offensive Tuesday in the only part of Abkhazia still under Georgian control. An Associated Press reporter saw 135 Russian military vehicles driving through Georgia en route to Abkhazia's Kodori Gorge — and Georgian officials said their troops in the gorge were under Russian attack.

Abkhazian officials claimed their forces — not the Russians — were carrying out artillery attacks in the Kodori Gorge. Fleeing Georgians said the entire population of the gorge, some 3,000 people, had abandoned their homes — some so quickly they didn't even grab food or water. "It feels like an annexed country," said Lasha Margiana, the local administrator in one of the villages in Kodori
.
And just hours before Medvedev's order, Georgian officials said Russian jets targeted government offices and an outdoor market in the key city of Gori, killing six. Russia has accused Georgia of killing more than 2,000 people, mostly civilians, in the separatist province of South Ossetia. The claim couldn't be independently confirmed, but witnesses who fled the area over the weekend said hundreds had died. Many Georgians also have been killed in the fighting. The overall death toll was expected to rise because large areas of Georgia were still too dangerous for journalists to enter and see the true scope of the damage.

link to full story

Second Front Opened By Russia In Georgia

I have been watching the news and reading stories concerning the fighting between Russia and Georgia, and today it looks like the Russians intend on continuing the fight, even as Georgia pleads for a cease-fire. The story below is 32 minutes old at the time I was putting this together, so this is a pretty clear indication that Russia is going to "finish" the fight that was started by Georgia as they tried to reign in South Ossetia the other day! Hopefully, the world mediators will be able to halt the killing, as it now sounds like thousands have been killed in the last few days!

The Yahoo News story reads:
Russia opened a second front of fighting in Georgia on Monday, sending armored vehicles beyond two breakaway provinces and seizing a military base and police stations in the country's west, officials said. The new forays into Georgia — even after Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili signed a cease-fire pledge — appeared to show Russian determination to subdue the small, U.S.-backed country, which has been pressing for NATO membership.

The latest developments indicate that Russian troops have invaded Georgia proper from the separatist province of Abkhazia while most Georgian forces are locked up in fighting around South Ossetia. The West has sharply criticized Russia's military response to Georgia's attack on South Ossetia as disproportionate, and the Group of Seven leading industrialized nations urged Russia on Monday to accept an immediate cease-fire and agree to international mediation.

"We want to see the Russians stand down," deputy State Department spokesman Robert Wood told reporters in Washington. With Europe depending on Russia for a quarter of the oil it consumes — and half of its gas needs — the conflict serves as a vivid demonstration of Russian power in the Caspian region.

link to full story

AP IMPACT: Kids Working In African Gold Mines

I was just reading an interesting, but disturbing story at Yahoo News, by RUKMINI CALLIMACHI AND BRADLEY S. KLAPPER, Associated Press Writersof how children are being used to mine gold in Africa.

A reef of gold buried beneath this vast, parched grassland arcs across some of the world's poorest countries. Where the ore is rich, industrial mines carve it out. Where it's not, the poor sift the earth.

These hardscrabble miners include many thousands of children. They work long hours at often dangerous jobs in hundreds of primitive mines scattered through the West African bush. Some are as young as 4 years old.

In a yearlong investigation, The Associated Press visited six of these bush mines in three West African countries and interviewed more than 150 child miners. AP journalists watched as child-mined gold was bought by itinerant traders. And, through interviews and customs documents, The AP tracked gold from these mines on a 3,000-mile journey to Mali's capital city and then on to Switzerland, where it enters the world market.

Most bush mines are little more than holes in the ground, but there are thousands of them in Africa, South America and Asia. Together, they produce a fifth of the world's gold, according to United Nations reports. And wherever you find bush mines, these reports and mine experts say, you also find child labor.

If you wear a gold ring on your finger, write with a gold-tipped fountain pen or have gold in your investment portfolio, chances are good your life is connected to these children.
One of them is Saliou Diallo. He's 12 years old and less than 4 feet tall.

Saliou and his friends, Hassane Diallo, 12 (no relation), and Momodou Ba, 13, dropped out of school about three years ago when the village's only teacher left. They were living in mud huts with their families in Guinea, and went to work in their fathers' fields.
Last year, as the price of gold hit a 26-year high, a thin stranger approached. The boys say he offered to take them to a place across the border in Senegal, where money hid inside the ground.
The spike in gold prices over the past seven years has lured increasing numbers of poor people, including child recruits, to bush mines. The United Nations labor agency estimates there are now 100,000 to 250,000 child gold miners in West Africa alone.
Saliou and his friends say the recruiter promised them $2 a day. It sounded like a lot of money to children who had none.
In a region where 4-year-olds haul water and tend goats, boys of Saliou's age are expected to earn money for their families. Senegal prohibits anyone under 18 from doing hazardous work, and mining is among the most hazardous of jobs. However, the laws are seldom enforced.
Saliou packed his clothes, hoisted the bundle on top of his head and slipped away before daybreak. The recruiter led the three boys on a weeklong walk of over 100 miles. The straps of their plastic sandals dug into their heels until their feet swelled.
The boys heard the mine before they saw it, the sound of hammers pounding rocks into dust. The tall grass had been cut away. In its place rose hundreds of cone-shaped huts with roofs of brown grass. Tenkoto, once a pinprick on the landscape, had swelled into a mining village of 10,000. The AP found the boys there, living in huts where they slept squeezed between adults on bare mattresses.
Each night before falling asleep, Saliou struggles to remember a verse from the Quran. He doesn't know what the words mean, but he had been told they would protect him.
Six miles from the village, men and teenage boys, some as young as 14, clamber down mine shafts 30 to 50 meters deep. The shafts are as narrow as manholes. Younger teens yank the rocks up with a pulley.
Saliou's boss buys bags of dirt from these men. The men have already combed it for gold, but usually a few crumbs remain. Boys like Saliou and his friends take turns at different jobs to coax the crumbs out.
They steer wheelbarrows of dirt over rutted paths. They pound the dirt with wooden posts for hours until it is as fine as flour. They wash the dirt in a large sieve-like box. Then they squat next to a plastic tub, pour mercury into their bare hands, and rub it into the mud like a woman scrubbing laundry on rocks.
Mercury attracts gold like a magnet. But it also attacks the brain and can cause tremors, speech impediments, retardation, kidney damage and blindness.
Saliou's tub of dirt yields a silvery ball the size of an M&M. He hands it to his boss, who lifts up his shades to eye it. The man heats the ball over a charcoal fire to make the mercury evaporate, leaving behind a fleck of gold.
Just handling mercury is treacherous; breathing its fumes is worse. The children don't know that. They crowd for a glimpse of the gold as its silvery husk slowly vaporizes.
At mealtime, Saliou rinses his hands in water from a muddy pool where the mercury run-off was dumped. He scoops a mouthful of rice and licks his hand clean.
Evenings, Saliou's boss weaves his way between huts where women boil cabbage and nurse sweaty babies. The speck of gold the boys squeezed from the dirt is in the pocket of his jeans.
A gold merchant waits in a dark shack, his metal scales propped on a wooden table.

___
The buyers of bush gold are distinguishable from the miners by their tidy clothes and scales. Each one offers the same price for 1 gram of gold — roughly $19. (There are 31 grams in a troy ounce, the standard weight used to measure gold.)
The buyers lend the miners money to purchase tools and bags of untreated dirt. In return, they get first crack at the gold. Saliou's boss says he is loyal to a merchant named Yacouba Doumbia, who gave him his startup capital.
Doumbia says it takes him more than a month to collect nearly 1 kilogram (about 32 ounces) of gold. He hides it in pockets sewn into his clothes.
The gold leaves at dawn on the back of a motorcycle. It travels four days through the grasslands to Bamako, the capital of Mali. Couriers say the journey is dangerous. Some carry guns. They take back roads, never the highway.
The motorcycles pour into the city from hundreds of bush mines along the crooked spine of the gold reef. There the gold funnels into five squalid offices near a central square.
Bush buyers like Doumbia say they are nearly all loyal to one of five Bamako gold barons: Fantamadi Traore, Fabou Traore, Sadou Diallo, Boubacar Camara and El Haj Moussa Diaby, whose business is now handled by his son, Fode Diaby.
Doumbia gets his buying money and his motorcycle from Fantamadi Traore. They come from the same dusty Malian village, which means they are as good as family.
Traore says he has recruited over 70 buyers, most from his village. They have blanketed Tenkoto.
"All the gold that leaves our village is headed to Mali to this one man," says Bambo Cissokho, the village chief of Tenkoto.
Traore's buyers pull into his muddy alleyway in Bamako and hand over the gold, sealed like spices in Ziploc bags. The weight of the gold and the name of each buyer is marked on a Post-It note. Then gold from various buyers is melted together in an outdoor furnace and poured into a mold to form an uneven bar.
The AP watched buyers take the Post-It notes upstairs to Traore's office, where dirty curtains cover the windows. There the 50-year-old bearded man chews kola nuts while a TV flashes the price of gold on the world market.
Traore's men pay the buyers from a safe stacked with West African francs and U.S. dollars. The price for gold from Tenkoto is $22.40 a gram — about $3.40 more than the buyers paid the miners. A courier making a typical delivery of one kilogram receives $22,400, of which $3,400 is profit.
The buyers head back to the mine with their hidden pockets full of cash to buy more gold. The pattern is repeated over and over at bush mines where children work all over West Africa.
Children travel from mine to mine, moving with the gold. Six months after Saliou and his friends arrived in Tenkoto, their boss decided the mine was nearly played out. So he and the boys walked for more than a week, crossed the Senegal border, and arrived at another mine in Hamdalaye, Mali. There, the gold the boys mine is sold to a different buyer. The gold then makes the same journey by motorcycle to Bamako, this time to another of the five main traders, Sadou Diallo.
The traders, in turn, send the uneven gold bars by courier across Bamako's clogged roads to a wretched orange building. Inside, the couriers head for Room 207.

___
The walls are stained with handprints, the hallway smells faintly of urine, and drapes dark with dirt block out the light. The filth obscures the fact that millions of dollars course through the office of Abou Ba.
In Mali and Senegal, there are hundreds of itinerant gold buyers and five major gold traders. But there is only one man with the paperwork, money and connections to make a business of exporting bush gold to Europe. An AP review of five years of Malian customs documents confirms that only Ba regularly takes bush gold out of the country.
All five traders said they sell all their gold to Ba, also known as Bah.
"He has the means to take it out. We don't," said Fabou Traore, who sells roughly 80 kilograms (about 2,570 ounces) of gold to Ba per month.
"For a long time, he's worked with the white people," said Sadou Diallo, who showed a recent receipt from Ba for $194,000 worth of gold.
"There is no choice," said Fantamadi Traore.
Taking gold out of Mali is expensive. Government monitors assay the gold and charge $11 per kilogram, and a 6 percent tax is added at the airport. From the bush to the world market, an ounce of pure gold increases in price by about $380, a margin that strains each middleman along the route.
In an interview, Ba acknowledged that all his gold comes from bush mines, including from the Tenkoto and Hamdalaye mines where The AP saw Saliou and many other children working.
Asked about child labor, Ba got testy. "We don't live in the bush, so we have nothing to do with child labor," the 50-year-old trader said, the comment translated from his native French. He has never visited the mines, he added. "We just buy gold."
Ba told the AP that nearly all of the gold he buys is exported to Switzerland. Later, one of his Swiss customers presented a written statement from Ba saying he sells 90 percent of his gold to buyers in other West African countries. Mali customs logs, however, have no record of such exports. When the AP sought clarification, Ba, stood by his original statement.
"We do not work with any African country," he wrote. "All of our merchandise is sold in Switzerland."
Since at least 2003, Ba and his associates have carried bush gold in suitcases and packages to Geneva on commercial flights from the Bamako airport, usually making the trip several times a month.
Mali customs logs show he normally takes three to five kilograms at a time — worth as much as $86,000 to $143,000 at today's prices.
"I can assure you that what he declares is only a fraction of what is going out," said inspector Bassirou Keita at the Mali Department of Deeds and Surveying, which oversees tax revenue from mining. "If I am wrong, you can cut off my head and put it on a platter."
In response, Ba wrote: "I make my declarations. I pay my taxes."
The Mali customs records say that between January 2003 and March 2008, Ba exported over 800 kilograms of gold (more than 2,140 troy pounds) to Switzerland. That's roughly the weight of a Volkswagen bug and worth up to $22 million at today's prices, depending on purity.
In Geneva, Ba said, he drops off the gold bars at a Swiss customs counter inside the international airport.

___
Once in Switzerland, Ba's gold enters the nebulous world of Swiss banking and precious metals trading, where secrecy is enshrined in both tradition and law. Swiss customs records, like its banking transactions, are confidential.
But customs records in Mali show that since 2003, 96 percent of Ba's exports have been purchased by two small Geneva companies. Decafin SA bought nearly one-fifth of it, worth up to $4 million at today's prices. The rest, worth up to $18 million, was bought by Monetary Institute, run by former Decafin executive Judah Leon Morali.
"I am just a little guy," Morali said. "I buy some grams, some kilos, from here and there." Everyone buys from Ba, he said, and if other company names don't appear it's because some transactions are unrecorded.
Morali said he visited Ba's office in Bamako and "never saw a child working." However, he acknowledged, "I've never been to these mines."
If they employ children, he asked, where are the written work contracts? Primitive bush mines, of course, do not have work contracts.
"There's no work contract with any children? Voila!" Morali said, dismissing the matter.
Decafin, the second importer, is a family business located on Geneva's exclusive rue du Rhone. Marc Arazi, its principal officer, first denied buying from Ba. But later, one of the company's attorneys, Marc Oederlin, said Decafin's business relationship with Ba is undeniable and that Arazi acknowledges it.
The lawyer said Decafin is concerned about child labor but has no legal responsibility to investigate how the gold it imports is mined. He added that Decafin trusts Ba and is certain his gold is not the product of child labor.
Earlier this year, Decafin unsuccessfully sued The AP in Switzerland to prevent its name from being published in this story, claiming it would unfairly damage the company's reputation. In court papers, Decafin claimed its gold could not be mined by children in Senegal and Mali, where the AP had observed child gold miners, because Ba gets it from northern Guinea. Arazi visited the area in 2005, Decafin said, and if he had seen underage workers he would not have done business with Ba.

___
The reef of gold stretches 70 miles through northern Guinea. There, hundreds of bush mines cluster around the towns of Siguiri and Kankan.
A United Nations mining expert who inspected the region a few months after Arazi's visit estimated that 10 percent to 20 percent of its thousands of mine workers were children. The report also documented fatal collapses of poorly constructed mine shafts, nonexistent sanitation and extreme poverty. On Saturday in nearby Burkina Faso, an illegal bush mine collapsed following heavy rain, killing at least 31 miners, the government said.
An AP reporter who visited Guinea in April saw hundreds of child miners. The ore is richer here, so the children do not extract the gold with mercury. Instead, they stand in muddy pits under a blistering sun and pan it from the mud.
Many are girls who begin as apprentice panners as young as 4 and become full-time workers by age 10. Teenage boys work the shafts, descending with flashlights tied around their necks to hack ore from the rock. Lancei Conde, the regional administrator of Kankan, said children work at all the bush mines in Guinea.
An army of gold buyers stalk the Guinea mines. Most are loyal to one of three major traders — Abdoulaye Nabe, El Haj Oumar Berete, and the Kante brothers (Sakia and Sekouba) who operate out of the towns of Siguiri, Kankan and Kouroussa.
The traders told The AP that they sell some of their gold to a dealer in the Guinea capital of Conakry, but pack most of it into cars or motorcycles bound for Ba's office in Bamako. They prefer to deal with Ba, the traders said, because he pays promptly in U.S. dollars.
Sakia Kante displayed a receipt from Ba, dated April 5, for 7,544 grams (241 ounces) of gold, for which Ba paid nearly $200,000.

___
The Swiss importers, Monetary and Decafin, said they turn the gold they buy from Ba over to Swiss smelters.
According to industry experts, smelters melt gold from all over the world together in large vats to mold standard bars or strips. So the gold mined by children is mixed in with the rest of the batch.
The smelters credit Decafin and Monetary with the quantity of gold they supply. The two importers are paid when the bars and strips are sold through Swiss banks.
Decafin's gold goes to one of the world's largest smelters, Valcambi SA, according to Olivia Berger, a lawyer for the importer. The gold is then sold through the Swiss banking giant, UBS AG, she said.
Valcambi chief executive Michael Mesaric said his company would not want to "service or even accept gold from a mine where children work." UBS spokeswoman Rebeca Garcia declined to say much about Decafin, citing Swiss banking secrecy laws. However, in its lawsuit against The AP, Decafin said its metal account was closed by UBS as a result of The AP's inquiries.
The smelter for the other importer, Monetary, is unclear. Morali, Monetary's founder, said he used to send his gold to Metalor Technologies SA, a large refiner and precious metals dealer, but switched last year to another smelter that he declined to identify.
"You want to understand the gold trail?" Morali asked. "It comes from Africa and it arrives in the Swiss banks. That's all you need to know."
Metalor denied it had done any business with Monetary. But Metalor acknowledged it did import bush gold directly from Ba in 1999 and 2000, according to Nawal Ait-Hocine, head of Metalor's legal and compliance division. She did not say why it stopped. Mali customs records show Ba also supplied gold to Metalor in 2003, but Ait-Hocine said she could find no record of it.
Metalor conducts "extensive due diligence" to make sure its gold comes from legitimate sources, Ait-Hocine said, but "a company can never be 100 percent sure."
___

The trail of gold that begins in Saliou's mercury-tainted hands ends with bullion in bank vaults and with necklaces, rings and bracelets sold by jewelry retailers all over the world.
Precisely which products contain child-mined gold, no one can say for sure. Unlike a diamond, gold does not keep its identity on its tortuous journey from mine to market. It passes through 10 or more hands. And when it is melted, usually several times, and mixed with gold from other sources, its address is effectively erased.
Jewelers and retailers that buy gold through UBS include Compagnie Financiere Richemont SA, the firm that makes Montblanc pens, Piaget's luxury watches and the jewelry of Cartier and Van Cleef & Arpels. Gold processed by Metalor has been used by these brands as well as in discount jewelry sold at Wal-Mart Stores Inc. and luxury jewelry sold by Tiffany & Co.
These companies expressed concern about child labor and frustration that they can't certify their products are free of it. Because bush mines, where child labor is ubiquitous, supply a fifth of the world's gold, the companies realize their supply lines may well be compromised.
"I can't overemphasize how complex this problem is," said Michael Kowalski, Tiffany's chairman. "There is a desire to deal with this. But the question is how?"
Tiffany joined with other jewelers and mining companies in 2005 to create the Council for Responsible Jewellery Practices, which forbids child mining. Major refiners, including Metalor, have signed on, as has Cartier. But to date, the council has found no way to enforce compliance.
"Home Depot can track every 2-by-4 to its forest of origin," said economist Michael Conroy, who has written a book on industry supply chains. "You can track every bag of coffee, every diamond to a specific diamond field. But for gold there's nothing."

___
After six months of work, Saliou is paid $40. He was promised $2 a day, which would come to $360. But his boss deducts money for tea, rice and rent, and Saliou doesn't know how much these things cost.
"If I have one wish, it's that I might someday have a little bit of money," he says. "Sometimes I dream that one day I'll own something made of gold."
He and the other children scour the ground for mud spilled by the adults. It has already been processed for gold once, but they wash it and pour mercury over it again, hoping to find some gold they don't have to give their boss.
They find a flake. It weighs 0.2 grams. They will get $1.95 each.
The boys spend their money on packets of paracetamol, a painkiller sold at the village market. They pop the drug after 10-hour work days to ease the ache in their backs and chests.
The dirt floors of their huts are littered with pill wrappers.

___
EDITOR'S NOTE — This story is based on interviews with the children, their employers, the merchants who buy their gold and numerous experts, conducted over 11 months in Senegal, Mali, Guinea and Switzerland.

The AP first met Saliou at the Tenkoto mine in Senegal in September, where a reporter spent a week watching him and other 12- and 13-year-old boys use mercury to treat gold. Details of his journey to the mine were culled from multiple interviews with Saliou, his friends and the adults who accompanied them. Scenes and quotes were observed by the reporter.

The AP returned to the mine in October and followed Saliou's boss and the children on a three-day journey, first by bus and then by foot, to another mine across the Malian border. In Mali, the AP spent several days watching Saliou and his 13-year-old friend work at the new mine. At both mines, the reporter observed as the children's boss sold the gold to a local merchant. On several occasions, she was also present when the children sold the gold to the merchants themselves.

In April, the reporter visited five remote mines in northern Guinea and interviewed dozens of children working there, as well as their parents and employers. Through interviews with the merchants, the AP tracked the sale of the gold from the mines in Senegal, Mali and Guinea to Abou Ba in Bamako. The reporter interviewed Ba by telephone, by questions sent via fax and in a sit-down interview at his office in Bamako. Customs records supported his statements that nearly all his gold is exported to two Swiss import firms. Officials at the firms answered questions by phone, by e-mail and in person.
The AP also conducted interviews with refineries, banks, jewelers and retailers that may be receiving the gold. From Africa and Europe, it spoke with gold experts, industry watchdogs, government authorities and United Nations officials.

What Will The Edwards Effect Be

This will mark my 800th post on Blogger, and I look forward to hitting 900.

I was just reading this piece at Slade, by Christopher Beam, indicating that the
Edwards Effect may not be as damaging to Obama and the Democrats as many
are speculating this weekend, and in fact may hurt McCain the most.

Democrats can’t be pleased with John Edwards’ confession that he had an affair
with Rielle Hunter. It tarnishes the Democratic brand just as they’re gearing up
for their quadrennial coming-out party, and the only thing more conspicuous than
Edwards’ presence will be his absence. And Edwards could have a Mark Foley-like
trickle-down effect in down-ballot races, where negative/positive party
associations matter most.

But the news is not all bad for Democrats. First, Obama is pretty much soaked in
Teflon when it comes to family matters. Second, it could be a lot worse: What if
Edwards had actually won the nomination? And third, it introduces marital infidelity
back into the conversation.

Recall: John McCain returned to the United States from Vietnam in March 1973.
His wife, Carol, had been in a near-fatal car accident while he was gone. She
was overweight, on crutches, and 4 inches shorter than when McCain had left.
McCain ended up divorcing Carol for Cindy Hensley, his current wife. Carol has
remained mostly silent on her marriage to John, except for one notable comment
to a McCain biographer: “John was turning 40 and wanting to be 25 again.”


There were legal complications, too. The Los Angeles Times reported in June that
McCain obtained a marriage license while still legally married to his first wife.
McCain suggested in his autobiography that he divorced Carol months before marrying
Cindy. In fact, that period was about five weeks. He also said that for the first nine
months of his relationship with Cindy, he still “cohabited” with Carol. Social
conservatives were never McCain’s base, but yes, it could get worse.

For the most part, the media have politely skirted around this episode of McCain’s
life. (Not to mention other unflattering moments.) For one thing, it’s long past. McCain
has since developed a reputation for credibility and transparency.
(Post-Keating Five, that is.) And, unlike Edwards, he told the truth about his deviance.
"My marriage's collapse was attributable to my own selfishness and immaturity,” McCain
wrote in his autobiography. “The blame was entirely mine."

But with Edwards’ infidelity front and center, that could change. In recent weeks,
McCain’s ads have taken a turn for the personal, comparing Obama to vapid celebrities
like Paris and Britney. Now Obama is coming under increasing pressure to retaliate. The
Obama camp has never publicly raised McCain’s marital issues, nor would it. But insinuation,
coupled with euphemisms about “trust” and “commitment,” can go a long way. In an
environment filled with personal attacks on both sides, you can bet McCain’s past will become
fair game. The Edwards news even gives McCain’s detractors a convenient pretext to raise
the subject. So you heard about Edwards ditching his sick wife? Wait till you get a load
of McCain.

Seems there may be a "silver" lining to this story for some, who want to cut McCain "off at the knees".
Have a Great Saturday Afternoon!!

Over 1500 May Be Dead In Russia And Georgian Fighting

I was just reading this story at Yahoo News concerning the ongoing conflict between Georgia and Russia, and the climbing death toll.

Russia sent hundreds of tanks and troops into the separatist province of South Ossetia and bombed Georgian towns Saturday in a major escalation of the conflict that has left scores of civilians dead and wounded.

Georgia, a staunch U.S. ally that borders the Black Sea between Turkey and Russia, launched a major offensive Friday to retake control of breakaway South Ossetia. Russia, which has close ties to the province and posts peacekeepers there, responded by sending in armed convoys and military combat aircraft.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov told reporters in Moscow that some 1,500 people have been killed, with the death toll rising Saturday.

The figure could not be independently confirmed, but witnesses who fled the fighting said hundreds of civilians had probably died. They said most of the provincial capital, Tskhinvali, was in ruins, with bodies lying everywhere.

link to full story

Edwards Admits To Lying About Affair

Right from the start of the primaries this year I had wanted someone to wipe the
"I am better than you" smirk off of John Edwards face, and lo and behold, it took the
sleazy tabloid, the National Enquirer to do it. I was just reading this story at Yahoo News,
and was quite surprised by it. I will not gloat much about it, because it is his family that must
live this down and they have my full sympathy. As for Edwards, I have nothing
but contempt, disgust, and derision.
Hopefully, this will be his good riddance from public life, and he can take his smirk
and go home.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards, who won nationwide praise and sympathy as he
campaigned side-by-side with his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth, admitted in shame Friday he
had had an affair with a woman who produced videos for his campaign.

Acknowledging a sex scandal he had dismissed as "tabloid trash" only last month, Edwards said
he had told his wife and family long ago, but "I had hoped that it would never become public."

He denied fathering a daughter, born to the woman with whom he had the affair, and offered to
be tested to prove it. A former Edwards campaign staff member professes to be the father.

The former North Carolina senator, who was the Democratic vice presidential nominee in 2004,
confessed to ABC News that he had lied repeatedly about the affair with 42-year-old Rielle
Hunter. Hunter's daughter, Frances Quinn Hunter, was born on Feb. 27 this year, and no father's
name is given on the birth certificate filed in California.

After the story broke Friday, Edwards released a statement that said, "In 2006, I made a serious
error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core
beliefs. I recognized my mistake, and I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman,
and I asked for her forgiveness. Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I
did not tell the public." "I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices," he said. "With my
family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006, and today I take full responsibility publicly."


link to full story

You Are Invited To Join The Murderous Midwest Militia Football League

It is getting close to Football Season, and it has been quite a transformation for me over the years. I have gone from totally despising sports, to huge regrets for having never played on a school team. My brother Dale, was an awesome athlete, and participated in pretty much everything throughout his school career, and has the memories, and awards to show for his dedication, and abilities. All I ever did was make sarcastic remarks about athletes and their sports, but over time I realized you could be a good athlete, and be smart as well.

Anyway, I still am not a good athlete, but I have become a Football Fanatic over the years, and the last few years I have participated in the Fantasy Football leagues on MSN, and Yahoo, and had so much fun, that I started my own league this year. I know it is not like really playing, but it is fun in its' own way, for us non-athletes, former or current athletes who just want to have their own teams ;)
The League is called the Murderous Midwest Militia, and I have a friend who has joined it, but I still need 8 teams for it to be a full league. IT IS A FREE LEAGUE, so it does not require anything but your time!!

If you would like to join, please send me an email at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and I shall send an email back with the sign up information and link.

Thank You!!

Friday Funnies August 8th Edition

We didn't do a Hump Day Humor post this week, so I thought a Friday Funnies post was needed to offset the Big News of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and the Russian battle with Georgia, which seems to be escalating, as I write this "humor" post. Have a Great Friday!! :)

Drunk Driving Stories
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
==============================================================

Doctor, Doctor
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
==============================================================
Here Come Da Judge
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.
==============================================================
Who's a Fault?
What do you call an earthquake fault?

A topographical error.
==============================================================
Free Space
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
=============================================================
The Small Town Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
============================================================
The Fire Dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
===========================================================
Two Wishes
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
===================================================================
The Voice
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
=====================================================================
A Plausible Explanation
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
=======================================================================
Ten Years Without Parole
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
========================================================================
Lessons in Life
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.
================================================================
Value Added Chicken
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
=================================================================
Driving Offense
The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"
=================================================================
You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?
As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.
==================================================================
Golf Nut
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
==================================================================
Sleeping Rough
A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
==================================================================
Presidential Accident
One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. President.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful president.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
================================================================
Truth in Youth
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and football!"
================================================================
Getting Used to It
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
================================================================
Football Try-Outs
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
=================================================================
Psychology
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
=================================================================
Microsoft Cafe
Customer: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Customer: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Customer: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]

Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
=====================================================================
Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
====================================================================
Thanks and Take Care!!