Hump Day Humor July 9th: Chuck Norris Facts Edition And More

Welcome to Hump Day Humor, the July 9th, 2008 edition. We shall start with a segment on Chuck Norris,that I was recently emailed. Some of these Chuck Norris "Facts" have been in other Hump Day posts, but this puts them in one place, and is the Top 100. Have Fun!!

Check out the Legendary Chuck Norris Jokes, Best known as Chuck Norris Facts.
Now some people refer to these Chuck Norris Jokes as "Chuck Norris Quotes" or "Chuck Norris Facts". These people are simply true believers. To them, these best Chuck Norris jokes are more than funny quotes, they are Facts. To these dedicated few, No matter how ridiculous or absurd these jokes may seem, they are all 100% true. Believe it.

Chuck Norris List: 100 Chuck Norris Facts
-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death!!
-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris Isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmations. No One Knows WHY!

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
=======But we cannot leave it at JUST 100, so here are a few more gems:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Okay~~Enough Chuck Norris, but if you like these, there is a link with pages,and pages of Norris "Facts", and you can laugh all day!


link to more chuck norris facts


Here are a few "jokes" for those who did not find the Chuck Norris "facts' Amusing!!

Unsuitable Steak
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Getting There is Half the Battle
An excited man calls the fire department and says, "Help me, my house is on fire!!"

The fireman says, "Where do you live?"

The man replies, "I am too excited, I can't tell you the exact address."

The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"

The man replies, "What do you mean 'how'? The big red truck."
A Sure Bet
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Fisher of Men
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
It's All in The Perspective
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
We Got It!
Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.

The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"
Eating Frogs
An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping on the mud.

The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Frog by Deddi Shy Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says:

"Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Searching
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Rules Of Washington D.C.
- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

- Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

- There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.

- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

- Chicken little only has to be right once.

- "NO" is only an interim response.

- You can't kill a bad idea.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

- The truth is a variable.

- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

- You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

- A promise is not a guarantee.

- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
++++++++++++++++++

Everybody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. ;)

Please send me your funny stories, jokes, and photos to danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com!!

THANKS AND TAKE CARE!! :)