Hump Day Humor September 10th Evening Edition

I am unable to report the happy news of an O.J. conviction, as they seem bound and determined to give him a trial before finding him guilty. I really do not understand what is up with that, but nevertheless, I thought I would post this edition of Hump Day Humor to tide us over as we wait for his conviction announcement. Hell, our luck will be that it will drag on and on, instead of them just waterboarding him to confess, and then throwing him in prison~~our justice system sucks! Why can't we just accept an accusation of O.J. for anything as proof of his guilt, and be done with him. I had a few friends remind me that in our system, you are innocent until proven guilty~~Whatever, blah, blah, blah, "only if you are rich or famous", and he used to be famous, so he gets justice, that is just wrong ?!

Anyway, I hope you will find these jokes amusing, either this evening or when you see them Thursday morning. If I have enough time, I may do a second edition for Thursday, as it is my only day off and I am exhausted. I worked Tuesday, then drove a friend to Spencer, Iowa to meet her parents from Fargo, and spend the week with them at the Clay County Fair (largest county fair in the world), so 6 hours there, 6 hours back by 3 a.m., in bed by 4a.m. and up at 7 a.m. for another open to close. So bed is calling and tomorrow shall be "a day of rest" if no emergencies arise.

Take Care and Happy Hump Night!! :)

Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Haiku Computer Messages

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Habit
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me and said, "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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Customer Service
My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."
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The Barber
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
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Doorbell
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"
================
The Calf
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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The Quips are a few weeks old but still amusing:
Quips From Late Night
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno
================
Windsor Castle
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
===============
Three Doctors Hunting
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
===============
Simple Questions, Complicated Answers
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
==============
Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Bad ATM Messages
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
================
Sunday School
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
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Fastest Father
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
++++++++++

Take Care
AND
Good Night!! ;)