Day After Hump Day Humor: A Week After The Election~~Financial Crisis Edition

Happy day after Hump Day, a week after the election edition. In that week, we have had Wall Street show utter confidence in the new situation by tanking nearly everyday, and continuing to whine for more bailout money. They continue to waste our money on resorts, and vacations, as AIG executives did right after receiving $125 billion more dollars from Uncle Sucker!!
This behavior was anticipated by those of us, who opposed helping anyone out, and now that Uncle Sucker is open for business, everyone is asking for a handout. After GM and Chrysler, it will be Ford, then the airlines, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, and we will continue working 63 hours a week, with no relief, nor end in sight, as the debt rises well above $10 trillion!!
I am too angry at the media for gleefully reporting the bad news everyday, and ignoring any positive signs that could turn this "recession" mentality around. Even local news is jumping on the band wagon with stories plastered on the front page about GGP, which owns Coral Ridge Mall, as well as many others throughout the country, and are in a financial "pinch" since the credit markets have dried up.
Well, let's also show that this is one of the strong malls, and that if credit turns around quickly, they should do just fine. Please, let's have the positive spin, and make sure to tell consumers to get out and do your Christmas shopping early. Perhaps you will even cut back a little, but if you have a job, and are reasonably sound, don't let the doom and gloomers, keep you out of the stores!! Come on out and see our cheerful, smiling faces, and spread the wealth in your own personal way!! Thank You!! :)
Now let us show a little American spirit and have a good day with some jokes, that may even be humorous ;)

A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away. Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer. "I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary." The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't know anything about cars!"
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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Rules For Buying Gifts For Men:
Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why. Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why. Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks. Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why. Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over. Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why. Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!
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A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!" "Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"
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A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" "No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"
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Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells. My uncle's favourite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was,but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, with bells ringing. Well, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Prize", but also the "Pullet Surprise!"
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How To Annoy A Policeman (If Your dare And If You Are Stupid!!)
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!" 2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70. 3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet. 4. Trip and fall into him. 5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 7. Try to sell him your car. 8. Ask if you can buy his car. 9. Tell him you like men in uniform. 10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old. So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said. "But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise. "She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"
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Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop." Customer: "Ok." Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked. The old man replied, "No, he never has done." So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man replied, "He's not my dog!
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A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?" A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"
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A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh. At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam." The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!" "Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"
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The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. 'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.' Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. 'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?' 'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!
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A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment. The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
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Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem, touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"
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"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, he said I was hostile. "If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. "If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic
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Here Are Some LeftOver Quips About The Recent Election On LateNight Television:
"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno "And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno "Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien "John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno "But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman "The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'" --Conan O'Brien "With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno "But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman "Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert "The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno "By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can't go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness." --David Letterman
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Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?" The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."
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Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Mike: Neither will Bob
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Carpe Diem -- Seize the DayCarpet Diem -- Seize the carpetCarpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbookCarpe Duh -- Seize an idiotCarp Diem -- Fish of the dayCrampy Diem -- Seize the MidolCarpe Diet -- Seize the rice cakeCarpal Diem -- Seize the knucklesCarpe Dig'Em -- Seize the chips 'n dipCarpe Carp -- Seize the fishCarp Diem -- complain dailyCarpe Per Diem -- seize the checkCarpe Canem -- seize the dogCarpe Devo -- seize the recordCarpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-OSharpei Diem -- sieze the wrinkled dog
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Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"
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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
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It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
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Thank You.....Thank you very much...and have a great night!! If you have any jokes to add, please leave them in the comments or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com. Now I need to check my Fantasy Football Team line-ups before tonight's game ;)
Good Luck To Us ALL!!!:)
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