George Carlin Dead At 71

Before we get onto the serious issues that we will be covering this week, I wanted to take a few moments to bid farewell to George Carlin. He died last evening, and while I am not a huge fan, I did find him amusing, in particular his linguistic quirks, and find it good to mourn the passing of a "good" person, in particular a person who entertained and amused so many through out his lifetime. May he find peace wherever he now rests, and I send my condolences to his family, and friends!!

The story at Yahoo News reads:
Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television. Some People Are Stupid. Stuff. People I Can Do Without. George Carlin, who died of heart failure Sunday at 71, leaves behind not only a series of memorable routines, but a legal legacy: His most celebrated monologue, a frantic, informed riff on those infamous seven words, led to a Supreme Court decision on broadcasting offensive language.


The counterculture hero's jokes also targeted things such as misplaced shame, religious hypocrisy and linguistic quirks — why, he once asked, do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Carlin, who had a history of heart trouble, went into St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica on Sunday afternoon complaining of chest pain and died later that evening, said his publicist, Jeff Abraham. He had performed as recently as last weekend at the Orleans Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas.


Let us have a little interlude in this story with some of George Carlin's New Rules
Just thought you all show know.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Here are some of George Carlin's quotes:
Always do whatever's next.


At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.


Electricity is really just organized lightning.


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.


I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.


I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.


If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.


One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.


Religion is just mind control.


Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.


The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.


The status quo sucks.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?


When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?


When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.


When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

REST IN PEACE!!

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