A Thursday Laugh Break~Attorney Jokes

I just received this in my email, and they were so funny, I had to share them with you. I shall move on to other topics after this little laugh break!! ENJOY~~

>>>>These are from a book called Disorder in the American
>>>>Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
>>>>word for word, taken down and now published by court
>>>>reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>>_______________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>>>____________________________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
>>>>memory at all?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>>
>>>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
>>>>something you forgot?
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
>>>>to you that morning?
>>>>WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>>>>
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
>>>>dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>>WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
>>>>
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>>WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I
>>>>need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: By death.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>>WITNESS: Guess.
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
>>>>pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
>>>>performed on dead people?
>>>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
>>>>people. Would you like to rephrase that?
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>>>>What school did you go to?
>>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
>>>>I was doing an autopsy on him!
>>>>________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>-- And the best for last: ---
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>>>>nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>

We all know that Attorney's are easy to make fun of, so here are A few more Attorney Jokes to close out our "laugh" break:

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
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A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour
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An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.

She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Angela. "But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute."
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A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them attorneys lie."
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What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
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And Finally For Today~~
Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice!
;)

We Shall Pick On Someone Else Next Time~~Thank The Attorney's For Being So Amusing!!


Now Back To WORK!!! :)